Seniors & Friends

Village Square => Village Clubhouse~Place For Fun! => Topic started by: RAMMEL on August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 PM

Title: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 PM
:roflBig:

Let's lighten things up a bit with some Jokes, Humor, and funny stories.  I know there are some unidentified jokesters out there.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Andie on August 21, 2016, 10:35:34 PM
Three youngsters talking about their Dads.  First one says, "My Dad  just scribbles some words on paper, calls it a poem and sells it for hundreds of dollars."
Second boy says, "Well, my Dad scribbles a few words on some paper, calls it lyrics and makes thousands of dollars.!
Third boy says, "Well that's nothing, my Dad scribbles words on a paper, calls it a sermon and it takes six men with plates to haul in all the money!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on August 22, 2016, 01:56:21 AM
Andie, well done, a great starter, well it sure worked for me..... and its not good to laugh when you reach the punchline with a cup of tea in your hand drinking, when sitting face to face at your computer screen....especially at 7am in the morning.... ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on August 23, 2016, 11:04:01 PM
Subject: Noah's Ark in Today's Society...
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the
U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to
the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Andie on August 23, 2016, 11:53:53 PM
Amen!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on August 24, 2016, 01:15:21 AM
There you are, problem solved, our earth remains...... ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Andie on August 31, 2016, 03:27:26 PM
True story:      Eight year old Bobby was a new patient in St. Francis Hospital.  One of the Sisters overheard him admiring the crucifix over his bed and asked, "Bobby, are you Catholic?"   "Oh no, Ma'am," replied Bobby, "they think I'm diabetic!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Andie on September 07, 2016, 08:01:28 PM
Doctor:  I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, your tests came back positive and I hate to tell you this, but you need to get your affairs in order soon.

Smith:   How much time to I have, Doc?

Doctor:  Ten.

Smith:  Ten what?  Months? Weeks?  Days?

Doctor:   Nine.......
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on September 08, 2016, 01:38:50 AM
Eight....seven.... :o
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on September 08, 2016, 08:37:49 AM
 :bible:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on October 02, 2016, 10:18:49 AM
A young newly graduated engineer finds himself sitting in the train next to a little girl.

   The engineer told the girl:
- It appears that the travel pass much more quickly if you talk with someone.

The girl looks at him and says:
   - Okay, what do you talk about?

Man brags: Let's talk of nuclear physics?

The girl replied: Okay, but first listen to me.
  A deer, a cow and a horse eat all the grass.
   Yet the deer made small droppings, cow dung is flat
and the horse makes large balls. How do you explain that?

The stunned engineer, thought a moment and then must confess:

- Well, I can not explain.

So the smart little girl said to him: How do you want me to explain nuclear physics if you cannot even solve a small problem of shit?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on October 02, 2016, 08:01:14 PM
                  :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on October 10, 2016, 05:53:37 AM
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

~ Author Unknown....
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on October 11, 2016, 05:48:27 PM
Well done, Vanilla-Jackie. You said further back the line that it isn't always the best time to read jokes (with good punch lines) early in the morning, with a cup of tea in hand.
Hah! A quarter to midnight is not a good time either, if you're eating a yoghurt and have your mouth full....   :cup:   :yes:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on October 12, 2016, 02:20:04 AM
RUTUMI...
....I think the safest thing to do is read these jokes in the middle of the day.... :coffee:  :metoo:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Andie on October 12, 2016, 10:17:49 AM
Maria's husband was away on business when she suddenly went into labor.  Her brother drove her to the hospital.  Due to complications during the delivery, Maria was heavily sedated for several days.  When she finally woke up she asked about her baby.
"Babies!", said the nurse, "you have twins--a son and a daughter!  And your brother has already named them for you."
Knowing her brother was a practical joker, Maria cringed. "OK, what did he name them?"
"He named the girl Denise."
"Well, that's not bad at all--and the boy?"
"Denephew!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: junee on October 12, 2016, 05:38:53 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on October 12, 2016, 05:47:53 PM
 :lol:  :lol:

Junee -- they wuz twins!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: junee on October 12, 2016, 10:03:07 PM
 :roflBig:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on October 13, 2016, 01:03:14 AM
Good they weren't triplets otherwise the other one could have been called, Decousin...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: junee on October 13, 2016, 04:43:56 AM



:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

No more Jackie!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on October 13, 2016, 07:33:58 PM
This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:
"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."
Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.
The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on October 13, 2016, 07:38:02 PM
A repeat ---

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie."
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket."
The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
"Voices?" the bartender asks, thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
"Yeah, watch this," says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or what?"
"Oh, that", says the bartender. "It's the nuts. They're complimentary."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on October 14, 2016, 08:16:19 AM
Good thing it wasn't the beer -- it's known that it can often pack a wallop!  ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on November 02, 2016, 01:41:47 AM
A friend told me that I was delusional.... I almost fell off my Unicorn....
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on December 09, 2016, 10:38:09 AM
Overheard at a Royal Navy Cocktail Party :-

Good evening, Admiral.  I'm Surgeon-Lieutenant Bates.

What!  Not the son of old Butcher Bates of St Thomas's ?

Yes sir.  And my mother was Clarissa Cuthbertson, the thyroid surgeon.

What!  Not old Cut-throat Cuthbertson of the Royal Free ?

That's right, sir.  And I'm keeping medicine in the family, because next week I'm marrying Dr Jemima Snodgrass.

What!  Not the daughter of old Slasher Snodgrass of Guy's ?

The same, sir.  I'm sorry my fiancee can't be here tonight, but she's in bed with cramp.

What!  Not old Carver Cramp of St Mary's ?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on January 31, 2017, 03:13:54 AM
Not so much as a joke but more a way of looking at things....

" We consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough of the bad luck of the early worm...."

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt....
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on August 19, 2017, 06:54:17 AM
Sidetracked...

...Went to my bathroom to wash my face, noticed my sink needed a clean...went to the kitchen to get said cleaner, spotted the tumble-dryer was still on, sorted the clothes out, came back to my bedroom sink to wash my face, noticed the sink needed cleaning....does this ring a bell?

This is not a joke but happened to me this morning about an hour ago...are you getting the picture?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: junee on August 21, 2017, 12:58:14 AM
Jackie.  Yes, that is a very clear picture for me.  Hope you are keeping well.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on August 21, 2017, 02:00:03 AM
Its started, it was only a matter of time....

Thank you Junee, I am keeping well but my body seems to have other Ideas...
...I have not long gotten up, 6.30am...have my first cup of tea by my side...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on October 23, 2017, 10:39:46 AM
Relaxing Location...
... While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on March 08, 2018, 07:43:37 PM
 

The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall.

A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines



Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on March 09, 2018, 02:39:54 AM
So if you want some freebies on the house, act like you are away with the fairies...or as nutty as a fruit cake...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 05, 2018, 03:01:25 AM
The Smart Vetinary

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. as she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope & listened to the birds chest.
After a moment or two the Vet shook his head & sadly said I'm sorry your duck Cuddles has passed away. the distressed woman wailed "are you sure" yes I'm sure your duck is dead replied the Vet
How can you be so sure she protested you haven't done any testing on him or any thing he might be in a coma or something.
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room, he returned with a black Labrador Retriever .As the duck owner looked on in amazement , the dog stood on its hind legs put its front paws on the table & sniffed the duck from top to bottom looked up at the Vet with sad eyes & shook his head.
The Vet patted the dog & took him out of the room, he then returned with a cat the cat jumped onto the table & sniffed the duck from head to toe the cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head sadly & strolled out of the room
The Vet looked at the woman & said I'm sorry but it is most definitely 100% a dead duck
The Vet turned to his computer hit a few keys & produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck owner still in shock took the bill "$150" she cried a "$150" just to tell me my duck is dead.
The Vet shrugged I'm sorry if you had just taken my word for it the bill would have been "$20" but with a Lab Report and a Cat Scan it"s a"$150"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on May 05, 2018, 03:34:10 AM
:2funny:    A good one!   
Welcome, Ferocious!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on May 05, 2018, 03:43:42 AM
Welcome back Bill, I hope you are feeling better.... a good one to start the morning off with... ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: junee on May 05, 2018, 10:54:23 PM
A good one from Ferocious Bill.  Jackie    :hello:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on May 06, 2018, 01:29:18 AM
Junee...
...he is not " ferocious " really, he is just a cute little puppy dog... ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on May 06, 2018, 03:27:57 AM
Jackie, puppy smiling like a Cheshire cat?  ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on May 06, 2018, 03:43:47 AM
Yes, or " the cat that got the cream.."  :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: junee on May 06, 2018, 08:10:58 AM
Jackie, yes I know butjust had to pick up on hat name of Ferocous.   :thumbup:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 07, 2018, 10:32:47 AM
Ladies.....I have been know to lick a few people to death....ha ha ha......hence....'ferocious'.....ha ha ha
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 07, 2018, 10:38:08 AM
Me?????  Speeding officer???   Pull the other one......ha ha ha
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 08, 2018, 03:16:38 AM
I'll pass on this job........ha ha ha ha

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 08, 2018, 03:23:33 AM
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.



She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"


I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,


"What she really said was: 666136429
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 16, 2018, 02:14:59 PM
(//)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 16, 2018, 02:19:00 PM
(//)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 16, 2018, 02:21:53 PM
The potholes round here are getting worse by the day.......

(//)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 19, 2018, 02:08:12 AM
A gardner was passing an asylum wheeling a barrow full of manure - one of the inmates asked him what it was for " To put on my rhubarb " he said,
the lunatic replied " You should come in here - we get custard on ours !"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 19, 2018, 02:16:36 AM
An ancient Highlander was nearing the end of a long life, and gathered his three sons around his bed to grant them a last wish before he faded away.

His first son asked his dying father for a brand new tartan kilt to wear at the funeral.

His second son asked for a new tartan bonnet, just in case it rained at the funeral.

The third and youngest son approached his father's bed.

"And what would you like from me before I pass through, my son?"

"Could I please have a thousand pounds, please father?"

"A thousand pounds? And what would you be wanting with a thousand pounds?" cried the old man.

"Well you see Dad, I don't want a tartan bonnet, and I don't want a tartan kilt, because I've got a Tart'n trouble."





Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on May 23, 2018, 12:54:32 AM
[attachimg=1]
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on May 23, 2018, 03:39:38 AM
I would like to know what the other half got wasted on?... ??? ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on May 23, 2018, 08:06:22 AM
They don't make them like W C Fields any more.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on May 23, 2018, 09:10:55 AM
Can't keep a straight face when watching these fellas......


Laurel and Hardy: Why didn't you tell me you had 2 legs



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIbeGQp0cm4
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on May 23, 2018, 09:01:41 PM
Every once in a while a local TV channel will run a Marathon on the likes of Laurel and Hardy, W.C., Harold LLoyd, Abbott & Costello, and the likes.  These are often during a long (Holiday) weekend.  Much fun for a change in diet.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on June 13, 2018, 12:16:21 AM
This may, or may not, be Humor.

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on June 13, 2018, 03:11:42 AM
Rammel...
...I knew him well, a truly old, and good friend he was...life will never be the same without him...Yes so sad, here one minute, gone the next...  :(
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on June 24, 2018, 09:17:41 PM
QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES


There are two
statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They
had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells
them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing
summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes
to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her,
she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The
angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After 15 minutes, the two return, out of Breath and
laughing.
The angel tells
them, 'Um, you have 15 minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her, 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions’.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you poo on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Ferocious on July 13, 2018, 11:14:47 AM
Spike Milligan - The Irish O'lympics


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmJSrVNKnr0
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on September 10, 2018, 06:16:37 PM
Reflections on Aging in 2018

1.   My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. I now have only 15  more to go.

2.   Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese.

      Fine, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3.   How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash

                                        b.  Grill some meat

4.   I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider  web.

5.   I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hrs. and 20 minutes.

6.   A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight  live longer than men who mention it.

7.   Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was  young I had to walk through 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8.   Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9.   Remember back when we were kids and every time it was  below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or

      talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 80. I learn something new every day and

     forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put on "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 4, 2018 is the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on September 10, 2018, 08:44:39 PM
I fit more of those categories than I like.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on September 11, 2018, 02:29:52 AM
Rammel...
...thankyou for my early morning laugth...  :roflBig:  I identify myself with many of these....never a truer word spoken...think its called OAP logic...

...definitely with number (4)....now where did that spider just go?   
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on November 04, 2018, 07:28:17 AM
A few funnies.


Every woman’s dream is for a man that will take her into his arms, throw her on the bed, and clean the house
while she sleeps.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Diet tip: If you think you are hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine and then she how you feel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Laughing at your own mistakes lengthens your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes shortens it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Be courteous to criminals. Let them finish their sentences.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t  done. ~ Lucille Ball
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out
of the smoke alarm.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
You may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
~ Maya Angelou
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on November 30, 2018, 06:07:37 PM
Then & Now

 If you graduated high school in the 1950's or early 1960's. Many of the following scenarios will be familiar. For most of us, our experiences didn't require any physiological therapy or special medical treatment to enhance our social skills.
   
 HIGH SCHOOL 1950's and early 1960's AND 2018 -THEN AND NOW   
   
 Scenario                 1:   
 Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
 1952 -  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
 2018 -  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.     
   
 Scenario                 2:     
 Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.   
 1950's -  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.   
 2018 -  Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark.  They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .   
   
 Scenario                 3:     
 Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.   
 1950's -  Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                 
 2018 -  Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.   He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.   
   
 Scenario                 4:     
 Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.                 
 1950's -  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.   
 2018 -  Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.   
   
 Scenario                 5:     
 Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.   
 1950's -  Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .   
 2018 -  The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.                   
   
   
 Scenario                 7:     
 Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant  bed.     
 1950's -  Ants die.   
 2018  -  ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.                   
   
 Scenario                 8:     
 Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.   He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.     
 1950's  -   In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                 
 2018 -  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.   

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on November 30, 2018, 08:46:34 PM
Good ones Rick - and unfortunately, how true.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on November 30, 2018, 09:00:09 PM
When I received that I was happy that there are others who "see" how things are/were.  I have often said I wonder if those in charge have wondered why so many bad things happen today that didn't happen yesteryear.  I recall going all through my school years and don't recall anyone getting shot, or shooting anyone else. If there was a calamity we were expected to "work through it" - no grief counselors. I guess that's how we learned to cope, and become responsible adults.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on November 30, 2018, 09:08:46 PM
Rick, my dad was a shop teacher and had all boys in his classes unless he taught an academic subject.  He quit a year early because it was the start  of parents sticking up for their children instead of the teacher.  Not that teachers were always right, but the students weren't either.  Dad enjoyed 11 years of retirement (I've been retired 32 years). 

I wonder what the world will be like in the future with no holds barred.  I won't be around to find out.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on December 01, 2018, 03:24:51 AM
So sad how times have changed, and not for the better...

I have been watching on out tv news this last week how the young are even attacking our police...one footage showed a gang of up to 100...

Not school related but...I remember when young my late father telling me ( he came from a rough and ready large family of brothers and sisters ) that if any misbehaved out and about in the street, they not only got a clip round the ear by a local bobby but when they got home and told their father, they would get another one...Seems nowadays the young aren't even afraid of the police, nor some, their fathers..

Whatever happened to that word " respect " respect for our teachers, police, fire crews and ambulance crews, even they get attacked whilst being called out to emergencies...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on December 01, 2018, 11:16:46 AM
The timing is ironic, but in today's news lineup was an article about how things were 50 years ago.  I wondered if it would be the same as what Rick posted, but it wasn't.  There were supposed to be 20 examples shown, but I am sure there were more than 20 before I clicked off. 

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on December 01, 2018, 12:43:49 PM
After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

"I thought you were a ghost," 
says the relieved teen. "What are you 
doing working so late?"

"Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 01, 2018, 01:24:25 PM
*Talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of theContest

was to find the most caring child.    The winner was: 1.  A four-year-old

child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently

lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the

old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his

mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said,

'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.' *********************************************

 2.  Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy

in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of

her students suggested that he was adopted.  A little girl said, 'I know

all about Adoption, I was adopted.'    'What does it mean to be adopted?',

asked  another child.      'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your

mommy's heart instead of her tummy!' ************************

*********************
3.      On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a

Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the

boys what the score was    'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered With a

smile.  'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very

discouraged.'  'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his

face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat

yet.' *********************** **********************
4. Whenever I'm

disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie

Scott.    Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother

told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would

not be chosen..          On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her

to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,eyes shining with pride

and excitement..  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words

that will remain a lesson tome....'I've been chosen to clap and

cheer.' *********************************************
5.  An eye witness

account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A

little boy,about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on

the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With

cold    A lady approached the young boy and said,  'My, but you're in such

deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair

of shoes,'was the boy's reply.    The lady took him by the hand, went into

the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the

boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He

quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of

the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and

dried them with the towel.  By this time, the clerk had returned with the

socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of

shoes..      She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to

him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more

comfortable now.'    As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by

the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?' ********************************************* SEND TO

ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.  Hope this put a smile on your face it*



*did mine!*

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on December 01, 2018, 01:50:06 PM
Amy, even though I've read those stories before, they always bring a smile to my face - or a tear to my eye.

One story brought a memory which is not about a child, nor is it humorous - it just is.

One night I watched a program about Seija Ozawa, who was the conductor of the Boston Symphony Orchestra.  Eventually, the program went to Japan  where he conducted the Tokyo Symphony.  What a shock, in a way, to see an all-male orchestra with every member having coal black hair.  The Boston Symphony was made up of both men and women and every hair color imaginable, including bald heads, and with the women different hair styles.  The thought still amuses me.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 01, 2018, 04:57:45 PM
This was sent to me in an email..needless to say I had tears running down my face from laughing..

THE SEASON FOR SOME GOOD, WARM CHILI HAS ARRIVED. BUT BE CAREFUL.



WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.



I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to mess yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.



No Watson's Movement Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.



It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that's when the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.



The chilies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.



Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, then began the inevitable 'Oh my', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-gun! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter.



They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.



Enjoy the Chili season
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on December 01, 2018, 05:13:09 PM
Amy - HA! HA! HA!

And I'm not even fond of chili

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on December 02, 2018, 06:15:11 PM
   

 It's time again for the annual " Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

 That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

 Here are the Stella's for this year:
 ·         SEVENTH PLACE

 Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


 Start scratching!
 ·         SIXTH PLACE *

 Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


 Scratch some more...
 ·          FIFTH PLACE *

 Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...


 Double hand scratching after this one..
 ·         FOURTH PLACE *

 Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun


 Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.
 ·         THIRD PLACE *

 Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


 Only two more so ease up on the scratching..


 *SECOND PLACE*


 Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure


 Ok. Here we go!!
 ·         FIRST PLACE *

 This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

 $1,750,000.

 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

 If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on December 02, 2018, 06:22:31 PM
Rick, I loved them.  What can I think of to win a lot of money from an insurance company?  Don't worry, I'm not that smart!

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on December 02, 2018, 06:27:00 PM
I'm waiting for the list of Government Pork Projects.  Can't remember what they call that list  :(
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 03, 2018, 11:58:25 AM
Rick, to think they walk amongst us!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on December 03, 2018, 07:43:37 PM
Quote from: Amy on December 03, 2018, 11:58:25 AMRick, to think they walk amongst us!!
Scary, isn't it?   :headspin:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 10, 2018, 05:50:01 PM
"Hearing Better Now"
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
"Oh no," the man responded. "I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on December 10, 2018, 06:36:21 PM
Great one, Amy.  My only trouble is my family knows I wear them!

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on December 10, 2018, 08:07:34 PM
MMMMmmmmm   I wonder how often that really happens   :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on December 29, 2018, 11:50:54 AM
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh. It's all true.
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4:00 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists or the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Most important - Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on January 03, 2019, 06:59:56 PM
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD


1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe.

Ten Things I know about you:

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 03, 2019, 07:12:40 PM
donklan, I most certainly am going to send this to others.....thank you!!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 17, 2019, 04:39:27 PM

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 




 

 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on February 17, 2019, 05:02:43 PM
Great tips, Amy.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 02, 2019, 02:57:44 PM
Aging is for all it seems :)!cid_7fbfd4c1-b668-b212-7246-7425e95ec33f@yahoo.jpg aging problem.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on April 02, 2019, 03:18:30 PM
Amy, we don't think of Mickey as getting old, but he's as old as most of this group, maybe even as old as I am.

We talked about Harry Belafonte in another folder and found out he's 92!

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on April 02, 2019, 08:20:23 PM
That looks Goofy to me   :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 09, 2019, 04:47:00 PM
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 09, 2019, 04:50:23 PM
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on June 09, 2019, 08:36:14 PM
:2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 11, 2019, 05:41:18 PM
RAMMEL
Did you hear about the man that glued watches to his belt?
He said it was a waist of time. :)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on June 12, 2019, 09:40:17 PM
With little effort he could have time on his hands.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 15, 2019, 02:25:05 PM
 :thumbup:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 19, 2019, 01:03:08 PM
Sign at a car lot.

Honk, if you love peace and quiet.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on September 16, 2019, 01:53:04 PM
Now this
thumbnail.jpg Team Work.jpg
 is team work .
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on September 16, 2019, 02:18:47 PM
Amy, that's teamwork.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on October 17, 2019, 06:18:34 AM
Library, the Chicken and the Frog

A chicken walks into the library, marches to the desk, and says: "Book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian hands over a couple of novels, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.

Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, "Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!" The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.

The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, "Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!"

This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.

On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond's edge, and says, "Book, Book, Book!"

The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: "Read it, read it, read it..."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on October 17, 2019, 09:48:17 AM
Ha Ha!

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on October 20, 2019, 05:26:12 PM
An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on October 26, 2019, 04:15:59 PM
We have two of these and yes they sure let you know when someone is here!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on October 26, 2019, 04:19:07 PM
Talk about blending in!mail.jpg dog adoption.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on October 26, 2019, 05:36:20 PM
Amy, what a cute picture.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on November 17, 2019, 05:29:17 PM
Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It's on a collision course with his ship.
He sends out a light signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back to the ship, "Change yours ten degrees west."

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes back in reply. "You change your course, sir."

The captain is now furious. "I'm a battleship!" he signals. "I'm not changing course for anything."

He receives one final call, stating, "Well, I'm a lighthouse, so it's your call."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 05, 2019, 02:16:01 PM
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on December 05, 2019, 03:18:59 PM
Amy, I like your jokes.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 05, 2019, 03:26:16 PM
Thank you Mary Ann...nice to have a giggle or two now and then :)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on December 13, 2019, 03:34:34 AM
joseph.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 13, 2019, 07:23:10 AM
Oh my Bubble.Joseph was a fun guy!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 13, 2019, 02:36:23 PM
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a
beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
 The old
man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I
thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000
asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to
the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted
there was no way you could discount this model.

"The salesman took a deep
breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any
financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?",
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to
lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
Once again.... don't mess with seniors. I love this one. A great
laugh.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: JeanneP on December 15, 2019, 04:45:14 PM
Bubble. I had to look at yours for a few min. Before I figured it out. My. Memory is going.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 19, 2019, 07:34:56 PM
The Purpose Of A Dog05BD3FD6-173D-4B7C-BD3F-2250D63ADAE5.jpg THe Purpose of a Dog.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 21, 2020, 04:31:10 PM
e5560d51-6aab-4584-9b12-64103477a294.jpgChocolate.jpg

Works for me :)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 21, 2020, 06:01:59 PM
82256896_667653907106466_1425728545824440320_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 21, 2020, 06:03:47 PM
82642415_519816801971631_7352270423410606080_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on February 21, 2020, 08:58:32 PM
Patricia = Agreed!!!

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 21, 2020, 09:36:32 PM
MaryAnn, I'm not as short as you but I also have that problem!


Untitled attachment 00029.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on February 22, 2020, 10:48:34 AM
Patricia, many years ago when Norm was married to Joyce, we went somewhere and stopped back at their house.  She had mopped the floor before we left and in our absence their St Bernard had piddled on the floor.  It had been snowing and I walked in with my snowy boots, grabbed some paper towels and wiped up the mess.

Joyce got mad at me for walking on her clean floor with wet boots but she didn't get mad at the dog.  She was not nice about it so I walked out of the house and proceeded to head for home (about 2 miles and I was younger).  Norm eventually drove by and picked me up and took me home. 

I think the two incidents were similar!

Jan is going to buy some soup for us and I've got to unlock the door.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 22, 2020, 11:52:23 AM
MaryAnn, Joyce sounds a bit odd to me!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 22, 2020, 11:59:21 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 22, 2020, 01:10:58 PM
Patricia, loved them all .Thank you for sharing.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 22, 2020, 01:13:21 PM
f329bef1-50f3-4a78-852e-6625a6aa886f.jpg Maxine.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 22, 2020, 01:14:45 PM
Amy, I'll add that to my Maxine folder! The earlier one for Grandma's coffee I had to print as it had me chuckling!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 22, 2020, 01:25:46 PM
Yes, that one is priceless...even had me humming the song!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 22, 2020, 02:09:10 PM
79658874_580873999403834_1328169836869582848_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 22, 2020, 02:10:05 PM
Resized.

613.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 27, 2020, 01:50:37 PM
Patricia, here is one for you.

32d49a98-8f95-4ca1-a790-fe0e584f49c9.jpg Respect.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 27, 2020, 02:38:48 PM
Thanks Amy! I saved it to my Maxine folder.

e9e31f01-09dd-4787-9798-f16de8fa2cb2.jpg Winter.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 27, 2020, 02:39:32 PM
NoPill.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on February 27, 2020, 02:41:18 PM
Untitled attachment 00026.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 27, 2020, 03:01:46 PM
The kittens are so sweet.......going to send that to my neighbour . Thank you...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 27, 2020, 03:16:46 PM
e4d13f02dcb3bdc9af9692d662a9b964.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 01, 2020, 04:07:59 PM
d8556067-c1fc-4377-a443-764d2b6b1cdb.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 01, 2020, 05:56:39 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 01, 2020, 05:57:29 PM
Untitled attachment 00032.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 01, 2020, 05:58:19 PM
Untitled attachment 00041.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 06, 2020, 04:02:33 PM
Another one for you..
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 06, 2020, 04:19:03 PM
f1b9b0c5-b3a4-4181-98d6-aa87ccbaf869.jpg Tail lights on Mustangs.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on March 06, 2020, 04:36:20 PM
Amy, I get a kick out of your cartoons, keep it up.  I wish I had a collection of them to contribute.  I do have a sense of humor to appreciate them.  Maxine is a favorite.

Mary Ann


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 06, 2020, 04:57:12 PM
Thanks Amy!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 06, 2020, 05:52:02 PM
Mary Ann, you're welcome. No matter how hectic life is ,it is always nice to have a laugh.

Patricia, you're welcome..
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 07, 2020, 04:11:07 PM
!cid_434e9a8c-c3c0-5669-17fb-c7c223441522@yahoo.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 07, 2020, 05:27:31 PM
Loved and saved it Amy!   :)  :)   


89348583_3046674142031940_5027249320068382720_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 07, 2020, 05:28:31 PM
89307884_241222816898181_8458508180425539584_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on March 07, 2020, 07:21:32 PM
Thank you Patricia and Amy.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 08, 2020, 10:18:24 AM
Mary Ann , you're welcome.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 08, 2020, 12:17:40 PM
20.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 08, 2020, 12:21:42 PM
64.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 08, 2020, 02:41:54 PM
I need to take up yoga!   :thumbup:   
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 08, 2020, 03:01:53 PM
Image3.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 08, 2020, 03:03:08 PM
87463059_231789764642255_8504407112938422272_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 08, 2020, 03:06:55 PM
Aww..that is so sweet!!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 08, 2020, 03:10:39 PM
A priest, rabbit, rabbi and minister walk into a Red Cross. The rabbit says, "I might be a typo."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 08, 2020, 05:30:50 PM
untitled.png soup letter rip.png
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 13, 2020, 06:35:17 PM
Image2.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 13, 2020, 06:36:14 PM
87691667_2894701683884524_2116205759120277504_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 13, 2020, 06:37:10 PM
89286144_10157102594941903_5274391565165395968_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on March 13, 2020, 08:43:10 PM
Patricia, they're all funny and I loved them all.

Mary Ann
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 14, 2020, 06:57:22 AM
8456ea96-109a-4a9a-8816-8578bd60150f.jpgMissing dog.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 14, 2020, 06:58:29 AM
Patricia, love the funnies.....especially the dog/squirrel one..
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 18, 2020, 06:45:28 AM
2c9543ae-6c6a-467d-aa9f-17d8d1d8dd23.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 18, 2020, 06:46:30 AM
ba43dc9d-9ab9-435f-a2c4-e22506583073.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 22, 2020, 02:06:06 PM


When you care enough to send the very best .... forget chocolates

thumbnail.jpgBoquet.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 22, 2020, 02:49:38 PM
Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.Very true


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.Sometimes 15%



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.



Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:NUTS!So true


Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.




And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 03:49:28 PM
90374167_10216564646615018_4797081554524307456_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 03:50:23 PM
90318284_248368729516923_117928278550904832_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 22, 2020, 04:20:38 PM
After being retired for a couple of years and completing all the jobs my wife had lined up for me, I began to feel somewhat useless and decided to enroll in a couple of courses at the local adult-education school. I noted, upon registration, that there was no tuition fee for a person over 60. As I handed my tediously-filled-out papers to the clerk, I announced, "I'm 63." Then, pulling out my wallet, I asked if she wanted to see my driver's license. She replied, "No, that's okay."
 
A little surprised, I asked, "Oh, do I look honest?"
 
"No," she answered. "You look 63."
 
 
--------
 
I found New York City immense and confusing on my first trip there. One evening during the rush hour, I stopped at a newsstand in the heart of Times Square and asked the vendor which direction was north.
 
"Look, buddy," he replied in a loud and annoyed voice. "We go uptown, we got downtown, and we got cross-town. We don't got north."
 
--------
 
I had volunteered to help my cousin with moving to a new town house. Loading the truck went fast, but several of us had to ride in the truck, so the cab of our rented moving truck was crowded.
 
Too crowded, as there was no room left for my cousin's enormous, black, Great Dane in the cab. So, laughing, we put him in the driver's seat of the pickup we were towing.
 
Once on the road, there was a sudden eruption of noise. We looked back to see the Dane's huge paws resting on the horn while he howled in protest.
 
As we were about to pull over, another car came alongside the driver, rolled down his window and hollered, "Hey, lady! .... Why don't you let him pass?"
 

The only thing you have to give up
is your excuses.
If you are tired of starting over,
 stop giving up. –
Shia Labeouf

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 04:45:23 PM
82366828_2831296333601198_4796544855410999296_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 04:45:55 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 04:46:41 PM
6ffee7f9-e74c-491f-b918-122a62d49afb.jpgYippie Friday.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 05:00:35 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 22, 2020, 05:03:42 PM
:2funny: "Why don't you let him pass?"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 23, 2020, 10:59:44 AM
Sending bacon one to my son! Thank you!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 23, 2020, 11:01:02 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 23, 2020, 11:02:01 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 23, 2020, 11:12:25 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 23, 2020, 11:14:22 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 23, 2020, 11:18:39 AM
b188461a-bee2-4af8-bbb9-b8398ac6fa85.jpg Teacher Yard Duty.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 24, 2020, 07:20:14 AM
d41405d4-13d2-4bfa-a387-0c5ad6dbbb2f.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Mary Ann on March 24, 2020, 10:19:13 AM

Thank you Amy for the laughs of the day which also give me a good start.

Mary Ann


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 24, 2020, 12:55:35 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 24, 2020, 12:56:24 PM
90515107_141581777361116_6902076108972228608_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 24, 2020, 02:53:03 PM
How true and worth every penny too!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 24, 2020, 03:00:23 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 24, 2020, 03:01:40 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 24, 2020, 03:02:34 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 24, 2020, 04:06:44 PM
thumbnail.jpg oh dear.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 25, 2020, 09:38:02 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 25, 2020, 09:38:52 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 25, 2020, 09:39:49 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 26, 2020, 10:08:49 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 26, 2020, 10:09:57 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 26, 2020, 12:35:33 PM
Week 6 of quarantine

IMG_1279 (1).jpg


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 26, 2020, 01:14:48 PM
That is so cute!! Hope it is washable!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 26, 2020, 01:16:03 PM
13d09d1b-0acc-4447-a533-4b6c50d49307.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 26, 2020, 06:28:25 PM
What will they think of next??

20150516_154302.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 27, 2020, 06:23:42 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 27, 2020, 06:25:42 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 27, 2020, 06:26:35 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 28, 2020, 12:46:47 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 28, 2020, 12:56:10 PM
An eight-year-old was asked if he understands why there is no school. He said, "Yes! They are out of toilet paper."

048bc2d7-4f92-4da2-a36a-cbc8cd4d9109.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 29, 2020, 02:27:42 PM
> It's 7:30 A.M. and a line has formed outside a small local grocer which opens at 8:00A.M. offering the first hour for senior citizens only.

 A young man mid-thirties walks up and tries to cut to the front of the line. A senior woman chases him back to the parking lot swinging her cane in a threatening manner, angry at the young man's rude act.

 A few minutes later he comes back and again tries to get to the front and again he is chased off this time by a male senior, a former marine who offers some salty language as he chases the man back to the parking lot.

 The young whippersnapper comes back for another go, and this time he stops before he gets too close and exclaims to all, "listen, if you don't let me unlock the door, nobody's getting in."
   
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 29, 2020, 08:17:15 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 29, 2020, 08:17:39 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 29, 2020, 08:18:06 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 30, 2020, 09:51:05 AM
 :2funny:  :2funny:  :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 30, 2020, 09:52:36 AM
Callie a few more for you..

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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 30, 2020, 09:53:23 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 30, 2020, 09:54:40 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 30, 2020, 09:56:00 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 30, 2020, 12:04:56 PM
Love the cat!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 30, 2020, 06:53:35 PM
I went to the neighbours today to clip the dogs nails. While Rex was laying on the floor for me, Callie their cat came and laid belly up as if to say do mine too please. Of course when they reached for a camera ,Callie got up. :(
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on March 30, 2020, 09:22:36 PM
Callie is a believer in "You snooze, you lose!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on March 31, 2020, 12:25:00 AM
Place marking (sniff, sniff).
I had to catch up on several pages.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 31, 2020, 08:17:41 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 31, 2020, 08:18:50 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 31, 2020, 08:20:31 AM
I can relate to this one...I think it is God's way of me getting exercise!!
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 31, 2020, 04:05:30 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:41:01 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:42:11 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:42:58 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:43:35 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:44:08 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:44:55 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 01, 2020, 09:45:30 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 02, 2020, 09:12:28 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 02, 2020, 09:13:54 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 02, 2020, 09:16:34 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 02, 2020, 09:18:49 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 07:17:23 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 07:18:12 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 07:19:05 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 07:19:48 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 07:20:33 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 07:21:24 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 03, 2020, 12:31:08 PM
Amy, was that mass hysteria at the winery for women or by men with childen?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 12:39:50 PM
Patricia, I think that would be for the men! :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 12:41:46 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 12:43:04 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 03, 2020, 12:43:49 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 03, 2020, 02:25:17 PM
I appreciate the one about Children as my entire working career was spent in middle management in hotels and in retail.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 04, 2020, 07:50:42 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 05, 2020, 07:36:19 AM
Hello inmates!

Anyone else's car getting three weeks to a gallon?
—————————
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... Told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!. The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn't say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... Yes, you guessed it... Pull myself together.
 Well anyway now I am not the only one talking to my household appliances LOL.
Huggers, 

So I put on my big girls britches and carried on..
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 05, 2020, 10:47:41 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 05, 2020, 10:48:24 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 05, 2020, 10:49:04 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 05, 2020, 10:50:10 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 05, 2020, 11:33:12 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 05, 2020, 11:34:05 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 05, 2020, 11:35:03 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 05, 2020, 11:55:02 AM
Got  to love Maxine...she tells it like it is and we wish we could be like her. 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:46:21 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:47:27 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:48:11 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:50:16 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:51:16 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:52:02 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:53:20 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:54:21 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 06, 2020, 01:55:35 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 07, 2020, 09:43:28 AM
thumbnail.jpg Dogs .jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 07, 2020, 09:44:08 AM
thumbnail.jpg Charlie Brown.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 07, 2020, 11:53:38 AM
Sit! Stay!  ::)  :)   
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on April 08, 2020, 12:44:50 AM
This falls into the HUMOR part of this Discussion -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_set7Do_gg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 08, 2020, 09:17:59 AM
Rick, you can't beat Carol Burnett show. I can't imagine what went on behind the scenes when producing the show. Good clean comedy.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 08, 2020, 09:19:49 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 08, 2020, 09:20:54 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 08, 2020, 09:22:21 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 08, 2020, 11:39:30 AM
Carol Burnett, Tim Conway, Harvey Korman, and Mama, Vicki Lawrence!

Some of the best were the ones where they couldn't keep it together as anything with Harvey Korman and Tim Conway together!

And a lot of that is on YouTube still.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 08, 2020, 11:41:11 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 08, 2020, 11:41:43 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 08, 2020, 11:42:09 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 08, 2020, 11:42:50 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 09, 2020, 01:08:42 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 09, 2020, 01:09:22 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 09, 2020, 01:09:55 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 09, 2020, 02:02:29 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 09, 2020, 02:03:15 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 09, 2020, 02:06:33 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 09, 2020, 02:07:08 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 09, 2020, 02:08:30 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 09, 2020, 05:33:18 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 09, 2020, 05:37:53 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on April 10, 2020, 02:17:02 PM
[My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:

 


Day 1 – I Can Do This!!  Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine.  I fear wine supplies might not last

Day 3 – Strawberries:  Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds.  Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8:00pm.  Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer.  It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out.  I'm So excited, I can't decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called "The Kitchen".  You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.  I have No clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room.  Tonight, I'm getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today.  Seems nice.  He's a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard.  I swear my fridge just said, "What the hell do you want now?"


Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides.  I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm.  The Cardinals led  the Blue Jays 3–1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they've cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

 
/size]
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 10, 2020, 02:57:35 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 10, 2020, 02:58:43 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 10, 2020, 02:59:37 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 10, 2020, 11:09:52 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 10, 2020, 11:10:39 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 10, 2020, 11:11:01 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 11, 2020, 12:42:05 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 11, 2020, 12:42:50 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 11, 2020, 12:43:41 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 11, 2020, 12:44:19 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 11, 2020, 01:40:37 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 11, 2020, 01:41:20 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 11, 2020, 01:41:52 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 12, 2020, 11:13:00 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 12, 2020, 11:14:33 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 12, 2020, 11:14:59 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 12, 2020, 11:15:31 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 14, 2020, 02:14:56 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,

                           "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on April 15, 2020, 09:14:29 AM
Yiiiikksssss!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 15, 2020, 11:44:30 AM
Pass the salt please!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nORRgU8sGdE
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 17, 2020, 10:32:44 AM
Definition of "OLD"

 

  #1         

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

 

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".

 

#2

 
 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"       

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.         

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

 
 
#3

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?" the reporter asked.         

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
 
 

#4

 

I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth   

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

 

 

#5

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

By the time I got my leotards on,

The class was over.

 

 

#6

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

 

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.

"Why Wal-Mart?"   

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

 

 

#7

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

 

#8

 

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

 

#9

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises

As your coffee maker.

 

#10

 

These days about half the stuff

In my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

 

 

#11

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER :     

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 17, 2020, 11:21:27 AM
Amy, I loved numbers one and two!   :smitten:   
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 17, 2020, 11:22:04 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 17, 2020, 11:22:50 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 17, 2020, 11:23:31 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 17, 2020, 11:24:52 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 20, 2020, 10:42:59 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 20, 2020, 10:43:34 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 20, 2020, 12:28:27 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 22, 2020, 11:33:38 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMTSbSrvcRg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 22, 2020, 02:17:53 PM
:) Very funny and appropiate!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 22, 2020, 02:28:16 PM
I thought it fit right in ..:)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 24, 2020, 02:15:16 PM

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
 
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 24, 2020, 02:16:32 PM

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
 
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
 
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
 
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
 
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
And then the fight started...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 24, 2020, 03:10:18 PM
Loved these last two!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 25, 2020, 01:15:44 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 25, 2020, 01:16:26 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 25, 2020, 01:17:37 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 25, 2020, 01:24:18 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on April 25, 2020, 01:24:47 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on April 30, 2020, 08:30:12 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on April 30, 2020, 07:34:20 PM
COVID KLEPTOMANIAC......
VIRUS 1.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 02, 2020, 07:51:50 AM


 GOD AND EXERCISE

 
In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more,
remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky,
and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his
eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother
you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

#2 In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today
may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

A friend sent this to me – he must have mistakenly assumed I was aging.

 

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on May 02, 2020, 07:58:05 AM
 :roflBig:  :lol:  :metoo:  :rotflol:  :headspin:  :rofl:  :tup:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 05, 2020, 01:36:23 PM

    Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.



    If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
    A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
    A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
    Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered :
1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If Mother Nature wanted me to touch my toes, she'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 05, 2020, 01:56:50 PM
Loved this Amy, especially #2!

 To avoid kids and accidents, stay far, far away from back seats!   :thumbup:   
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 06, 2020, 12:49:21 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 06, 2020, 12:50:17 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 06, 2020, 12:51:08 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 06, 2020, 12:51:34 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 06, 2020, 12:58:20 PM
signing.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 06, 2020, 06:48:52 PM

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS... and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!
 
 
 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 15, 2020, 12:55:44 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 15, 2020, 12:59:25 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 15, 2020, 01:00:21 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 15, 2020, 01:01:09 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 16, 2020, 12:29:32 PM


 I hope they give us two weeks' notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. 

And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.                 

 New monthly budget:  Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.                 

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.                 

 When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.                 

 Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 8 weeks.                 

 It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it's going to take a vineyard to home school one.                 

You know those car commercials where there's only vehicle on the road?  Doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.               

They may open things up next month -- I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.                 

Day 56:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.                 

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?"  Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. 

 When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it's probably pretty serious.               

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.               

I am home schooling. The first day I tried to get this kid transferred out of my class.               

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, so the schools are closed.  Do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 17, 2020, 07:54:19 AM

If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the humorist who once said:
 "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
 His mind sees things differently from most of us. 
One of the favorites is "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
 
Here are some more of Steven Wright's gems....
 
1)      I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2)      Borrow money from pessimists  -  they don't expect it back!
3)      Half the people you know are below average.
4)      90% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5)      82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6)      A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
7)      A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8)      If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9)      All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10)   The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11)   I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12)   OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13)   How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14)   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something,
15)   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16)   When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17)   Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18)   Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19)   I intend to live forever.  So far, so good....
20)   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21)   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22)   What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?
23)   My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brake, so I made your horn louder."
24)   Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25)   If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26)   A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
27)   Experience is something you don't get until just AFTER you need it.
28)   The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29)   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30)   The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
31)   The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
32)   Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
33)   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
34)   If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 17, 2020, 12:11:01 PM
From Dad Jokes


I've heard some people are really going crazy from isolation. I'm glad I'm not one of those.

I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.

The sink just said everything is going down the drain.

In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn't that pressing.

The vacuum was very unsympathetic. Told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over!

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn't say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip.

The front door said I was unhinged and then..The curtains told me to pull myself together!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 19, 2020, 02:09:57 PM




 
Why  do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the  back of the store to get their prescriptions while  healthy people can buy cigarettes at the  front? 



Why  do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a  diet coke? 



Why  do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens  to the counters?



Why  do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our  driveways and put our useless junk in the  garage?




EVER  WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but  darkens our skin?




Why  can't women put on mascara with their mouth  closed? 



Why  don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins  Lottery'? 


Why  is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why  is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do  'practice'? 



Why  is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish  washing liquid made with real lemons?




Why  is the man who invests all your money called a  broker? 



Why  is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush  hour? 

Why  isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why  didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 



Why  do they sterilize the needle for lethal  injections?




You  know that indestructible black box that is used on  airplanes?  Why don't  they make the whole  plane out of that stuff?? 



Why  don't sheep shrink when it rains? 



Why  are they called apartments when they are all stuck  together? 



If  flying is so safe,   why  do they call the airport the terminal? 



Now  that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to  spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want  to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other  words, send it to everyone.  We all need to smile  every once in a while. 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on May 19, 2020, 03:46:37 PM
EVER  WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

 ???  ;)   :coolsmiley:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 24, 2020, 05:21:55 PM

UNIVERSAL LAWS - ENJOY

 
1.Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2Law of Gravity-Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces-The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 11, 2020, 02:56:57 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 12, 2020, 04:03:49 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on June 13, 2020, 06:25:26 AM
Is that tar???
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 13, 2020, 11:16:58 AM
Its a cannon
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 13, 2020, 12:11:17 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 13, 2020, 12:12:27 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 13, 2020, 12:13:37 PM
If 2020 was a swing.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 14, 2020, 07:26:34 PM
Guy comes home to find this. He only has the dog.


only owns the dog..jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 14, 2020, 07:27:54 PM
What kind of bird is this?


what kind of bird is this.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 15, 2020, 07:31:26 AM
Love the extra guest with the dog and cat.
Why everyone knows that's a catbird  :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 15, 2020, 01:31:58 PM
His dog's the social one of the family!

Dad jokes for Father's Day

1. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

2. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

3. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

4. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

5. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

6. Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.

7. How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

8. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos

9. Bad puns are how eye roll.

10. What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 15, 2020, 01:43:04 PM
For extra credit;

A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He's alright though, it was a soft drink.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 15, 2020, 02:10:44 PM
American Hedgehog Bowling Association

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Sd-MfuJ8ZU

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 15, 2020, 04:00:51 PM
Independent dogs that don't need Hoomans

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoKWVBr_1CU

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: angelface555 on June 15, 2020, 04:06:20 PM
SMART Dogs Showing Off Their Problem Solving Skills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQEmjNqwZRk

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 26, 2020, 03:32:12 PM

Lost Words From Our Childhood

Mergatroyd!    Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a   Jalopy;     and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?"  He had never heard of the word jalopy!  She knew she was old ... But not that old.

Well, I hope you are     Hunky Dory     after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:    Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of     moxie   .  We'd put on     our best bib and tucker   ,     to

straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers!     Jumping Jehosofat!   Holy Moley!

We were     in like Flynn     and    living the life of Riley   ; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a    knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.      Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be     swell,     but when's the last time anything was swell?    Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the DA.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back!    Kilroy was here,     but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,    "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"  Or,     "This is a fine kettle of fish!"     We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof,     go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind.  We blink, and they're gone.  Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone:     Pshaw,     The milkman did it.    Hey!  It's your nickel.    Don't forget to pull the chain.     Knee high to a grasshopper.    Well, Fiddlesticks!      Going like sixty.       I'll see you in the funny papers.  Don't take any wooden nickels.    Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than     Carter has liver pills.     This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...

See ya later, alligator!    Okidoki.

You'll notice they left out    "Monkey Business"!!!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 26, 2020, 04:28:08 PM
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
 
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
 
#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.
 
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop ticking you off.
 
#4 - Your people skills are just fine It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
 
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
 
#6 - "On time" is when you get there.
 
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
 
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
 
#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
 
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
 
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
 
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
 
And the golden rule: "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on September 09, 2020, 05:11:49 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on September 09, 2020, 05:13:26 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on September 09, 2020, 05:13:48 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on October 18, 2020, 12:35:14 PM
"Important Announcement: In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

 They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

 They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

 It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on November 06, 2020, 12:23:29 PM
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on."

 At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice"

 At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice."

 At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let's give it a try."

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 16, 2021, 01:36:24 PM
Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I'm getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on February 08, 2021, 10:28:28 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 08, 2021, 12:26:11 PM
Old Age And Treachery







 
I know I shouldn't have done this but I am 73 years old and I was in the McDonalds drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.



The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.



When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

 

Don't blow your horn at old people....they have been around a long time.

 

 

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on February 10, 2021, 10:38:04 AM
When insults were more than four-letter words.

  A member of Parliament to Disraeli:  "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy."
      Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
      Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
       Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
       William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
       Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
     Mark Twain

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."
      Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
            George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
           Winston Churchill, in response
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
         Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
        John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
       Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
     Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
     Paul Keating   

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
         Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
        Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope
without any address on it?"
        Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"
       Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
       Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination. "
       Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has van Gogh's ear for music."
       Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
       Groucho Marx


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 16, 2021, 12:46:37 PM
What Do You Call A Bird


What bird can do more that others? A Pelican.

 What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon.

 What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling. What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.

 What bird works in construction? A Crane.

 What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.

What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.

What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.

 What bird just got arrested? A Robin.

 What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.

 What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow.

What bird does drugs? A Junco.

 What bird wears a toupee? A Heron.

What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.

What bird can't walk straight? A warbler.

 What bird parties the most? A Raven!



Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on February 17, 2021, 03:32:50 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on February 17, 2021, 03:35:27 AM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 10, 2021, 03:56:47 PM
Children's Humor




A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."



After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"


The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

 

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

 



Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on May 10, 2021, 03:59:54 PM
Get your thinking caps on (there is an explanation why this works)

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.

When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;

My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;

My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the
three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend whom they considered quite
smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought,
he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That
increased the total to 18 horses.

Farmer math

Now, he divided the horses according to their father's Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2

TOTAL IS 17

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back  to his farm.
Problem Solved!

Scary Mathematics
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on May 10, 2021, 04:47:42 PM
No, scary farmer!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 12, 2021, 10:35:43 AM

Webster's NEW AGE Dictionary
 
 
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
 
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
 
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
 
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MYTH:
A female moth.
 
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
 
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
 
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
 
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
 
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
 
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 12, 2021, 10:38:24 AM
Forest Service Comments
 
These are reported to be actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by campers and backpackers completing their trips:
 
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
 
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
 
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
 
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
 
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
 
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
 
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
 
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
 
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on June 12, 2021, 10:40:04 AM
   

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2021

I have been in many places, but I've never been in
Kahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You
have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  I
hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  They
don't have an airport; you have to be driven
there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my
children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you
have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity
anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a
sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too
often.  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was
very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there
more often as I'm getting
older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It
really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old
heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't
remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 07, 2021, 12:32:59 AM
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 12, 2021, 04:18:22 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
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Post by: patricia19 on July 12, 2021, 04:19:48 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 15, 2021, 01:42:42 PM

Works for me!! :2funny:

b4c9e1d5-aad7-4ae2-b0b4-50b2e4d17d67.jpeg Maxine.jpeg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 15, 2021, 01:54:59 PM
Or something you can put off so long that you forget about it!  ;) 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 15, 2021, 02:51:48 PM
I can do that! Or at least give it my best try! ;)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 15, 2021, 03:17:14 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 15, 2021, 09:46:07 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 18, 2021, 05:01:03 PM
An elderly lady from [****] did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken,
then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car
and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried,
and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered ..
why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake.



The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 19, 2021, 02:24:48 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 21, 2021, 05:07:35 PM
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar   No joke

Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!

This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.





Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 21, 2021, 05:09:46 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 22, 2021, 12:39:30 PM
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Post by: patricia19 on July 23, 2021, 03:58:39 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 24, 2021, 01:01:00 PM
THE RULES OF RURAL SASKATCHEWAN ARE AS FOLLOWS:

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get the hell out of my way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 6 goes north and south. Pick one and leave.


5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $395,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Saskatchewan waves. It's called 'being friendly , try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for ladies. That is applied to all ladies, regardless of age.

11. There's little here for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. Our meals have three main dishes: meat, vegetables and potatoes. We use three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.

15. Saskatchewan Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch.

16. We have more golf courses per capita than anywhere else in the world. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Three inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.


Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail ...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 24, 2021, 07:41:55 PM
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Post by: patricia19 on July 24, 2021, 07:43:39 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 24, 2021, 09:34:33 PM
Statistics - The Dangers of Bread
The Dangers of Bread
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 24, 2021, 09:40:45 PM
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie."
 
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?"
 
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket."
 
The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
 
"Voices?" the bartender asks, thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
 
"Yeah, watch this," says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or what?"
 
"Oh, that", says the bartender. "It's the nuts. They're complimentary."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 24, 2021, 09:47:17 PM
        How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... 

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 24, 2021, 09:50:08 PM
Dear Receiver :
You have just received an Irish virus.
Since we are not so technologically advanced in Ireland, this is a
MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and
send this mail to everyone you know.
That'd be grand.

Tanx Paddy O'Hacker"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 24, 2021, 10:15:05 PM
Subject: Noah's Ark in Today's Society...
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
 
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
 
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
 
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
 
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.

Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
 
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 28, 2021, 02:46:53 PM
AAMFeNE.jfif
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 30, 2021, 06:56:57 PM
AAMK0rg.jfif
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on July 30, 2021, 06:58:36 PM
AAMHasf.jfif
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on July 30, 2021, 09:11:52 PM
We can do it
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on July 31, 2021, 03:14:59 PM
A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

 

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

 

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .

 

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

 

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

 

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.

 

 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 12, 2021, 03:14:38 PM
AANeEBX.jfif
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 12, 2021, 03:15:02 PM
AANeROe.jfif
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 12, 2021, 03:15:45 PM
AANeufj.jfif
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 12, 2021, 03:16:35 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 12, 2021, 03:17:14 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on August 19, 2021, 11:54:47 AM
The Congregation and the Big Donation

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
 After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
 A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly, she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
 Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on August 19, 2021, 12:00:36 PM
A Senior's Rhyme

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
 From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
 I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
 And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
 The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."
 Understand — I'm not old — I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
 And people speak softer — can't hear what they say.
 My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet.
 Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.
 The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
 You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.
 My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
 Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
 Still, I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent." My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
 I've got "character lines," not wrinkles... for sure,
 But don't call me old... just call me mature.
 The steps in the houses they're building today
 Are so high that they take... your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
 That should explain why my walking is slow.
 But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
 And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
 I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature!

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:08:12 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:08:41 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:09:21 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:10:00 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:12:53 PM
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Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on August 19, 2021, 06:36:27 PM
Quote from: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:10:00 PMAANv4FY.jfif
Hubby came out of the allergists room saying to me plus a room full of people  that I told you I was allergic to the dogs.  I told him we would miss him.  Room was full of laughter at that.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on August 20, 2021, 01:41:03 PM
Scrabble anyone.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on August 20, 2021, 01:47:00 PM
    Always Ask, Never Assume

    CNN News photographer having had his request approved, quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

     He was told a plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

     Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

     He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

     The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

     Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

     'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

     Why?' asked the pilot.

     Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

     The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

     Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .

     You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on August 20, 2021, 01:58:08 PM
Spelling
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on August 28, 2021, 07:03:53 AM
Jokes...bet ya can't stop reading!
1. "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson!"

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again."

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There, their, they're.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
Julienm1 is offline     
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on September 07, 2021, 12:19:14 PM
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on September 18, 2021, 04:49:00 PM
What did Mama Tomato say to Baby Tomato when he lagged behind?

 Ketchup!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on September 19, 2021, 12:41:10 PM
The Big Lie..


John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 28 year old.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you.

 How did you pull it off?"

 "It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask.
 
John shakes his head no.
 
"There is no way she could believe you were 40!". They exclaim.

 John shakes his head again.

 "So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"

 John smiles and whispers "85".



Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on September 19, 2021, 12:48:56 PM
For the truly absentminded

Warning on a Batman costume for Halloween:


"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on September 21, 2021, 04:23:25 PM
Better late than never


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on September 21, 2021, 04:27:18 PM
Aaof5vf





Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: rutumi on November 06, 2021, 12:17:20 PM
 :wave2:  :hat:  :cup:    :snoopy:

The devil whispered to me, "I'm coming for you." I whispered back: "Bring pizza."
--
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)... I can't
see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
--
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
--
It's weird being the same age as old people.
--
Chocolate is God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
--
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
--
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
--
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
So remember: Don't sing!
--
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that's how the fight started.
--
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine
and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
--
I don't think the therapist is supposed to say "wow," that many times in your first session but here we are...
--
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
--
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, 'Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?'
--
So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
--
If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it."
That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
--
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
--
Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don't even like.
--
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests
I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
--
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
--
I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
--
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
--
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought:
"Well aren't we just two clowns short of a circus?"
--
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
--
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on November 09, 2021, 01:59:41 PM
Didn't know where else to post this, so---
https://tinyurl.com/enc86eha (https://tinyurl.com/enc86eha)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on November 09, 2021, 04:36:59 PM
Rammel..that brings back memories...dont forget i once had three dogs...they pin you on the ground giving nothing but sloppy licks..When one does it, they all want to get in on the act.. ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on November 10, 2021, 05:56:11 AM
Rammel, this what I get:


403. That's an error.

Your client does not have permission to get URL  from this server. That's all we know.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on November 20, 2021, 02:16:42 PM
Some giggles..
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all of the records of their league were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Teacher: "Which little boy can tell me where the home of the swallow is?"
Small boy: "In the stomach?"

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie!

Back in Old England, two gentlemen were walking down the street when one stumbled over a mop bucket that had been left out. "My dear friend," exclaimed the other, "I lament your death exceedingly."
"My death?!"
"Why, yes–you have just kicked the bucket."
"Not so," rejoined the first. "I have only turned a little pail."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true. No bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on November 20, 2021, 06:59:37 PM
:roflBig:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on November 21, 2021, 02:53:22 PM
Rammel...does this look familiar...




Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on November 21, 2021, 03:45:39 PM
So,------------They're going to be a bit late for work today.  :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on November 21, 2021, 04:08:22 PM
Just a little... ;D
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on December 23, 2021, 05:05:50 AM
Embeddedf57ed744c37545d498c598950526e6e9.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on December 23, 2021, 01:09:11 PM
I loved this;  Back in Old England, two gentlemen were walking down the street when one stumbled over a mop bucket that had been left out. "My dear friend," exclaimed the other, "I lament your death exceedingly."
"My death?!"
"Why, yes–you have just kicked the bucket."
"Not so," rejoined the first. "I have only turned a little pail."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 23, 2021, 01:23:11 PM
image004.jpg.png snow ladies.png
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 23, 2021, 01:24:39 PM
image006.jpg.png work out.png
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on December 23, 2021, 01:25:49 PM
image009.jpg.png Cat.png
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 02, 2022, 06:38:53 AM
https://jokesoftheday.com/man-takes-wife-birthday-shell-never-forget/ (https://jokesoftheday.com/man-takes-wife-birthday-shell-never-forget/)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 02, 2022, 09:55:53 AM
Bubble, is that the lack of not understanding communication?   :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 07, 2022, 11:49:44 AM
H – "Hello?"

W – "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H – "Yes."

W – "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H – "What's the price?"

W – "Only $1,500.00."

H – "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W – "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2021 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H-"What price did he quote you?"

W – "Only $60,000..."

H – "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W – "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H – "What?"

W – "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H – "How much are they asking?"

W – "Only $450,000 – a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H – "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

W – "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H – "Bye...I love u too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 12, 2022, 10:38:19 AM

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
 
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
 
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
 
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
 
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
 
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 25 years ago.
 
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
 
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
 
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
 
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
 
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
 
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
 
13. I run like the winded.
 
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
 
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
 
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
 
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
 
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
 
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
 
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
 
 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 14, 2022, 09:46:11 AM
What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot?


A polygon (Polly gone)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 15, 2022, 07:40:53 AM
Why is a pair of skates like an apple?
Because they have both caused the fall of man.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 26, 2022, 04:40:45 PM
What is the difference between 16 ounces and a small boy at the piano?
One weighs a pound, and the other pounds away.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Skhilled on February 26, 2022, 08:26:53 PM
LOL, I could make a dirty joke about the last one! :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on February 26, 2022, 09:21:33 PM
Gun control refers to how well you aim.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on March 22, 2022, 10:21:35 AM
Did Jonah cry when the whale swallowed him?


Answer
He thought he was going to blubber, but he didn't.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on April 06, 2022, 06:09:24 PM
: For those who thought you knew everything
 
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite .
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only 6 inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left
(palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only 4 words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are 2 words in the English language that have all 5 vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks; otherwise it would digest itself.
NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on April 06, 2022, 07:45:34 PM
Don,
Those are interesting
Another tidbit - If you shave every day (about 20 min/day + prep) for 50 years you will spend about 8.5 Months doing that. So between driving to work every day and shaving, a person wastes a lot of time.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on April 06, 2022, 09:42:52 PM
It certainly adds up...
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on April 10, 2022, 10:38:10 AM
When The Baby Cries

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.
All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, "Not yet!" A little later, they ask to see the baby again
Once more, she says, "Not yet!"
Finally they ask, "When the heck can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries!"
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
Mom says, "Because I forgot where I put it!"
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 17, 2022, 09:00:06 AM
Q. What do rabbits have that nothing else in the world has?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. What kind of book do baby rabbits like at bedtime? A. One with a hoppy ending.

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A Hot Cross bunny.

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.


Q: Why are bunnies always tired in April?
 A: Because they just finished a March.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q. What is a rabbit's favorite dance?
 A. The Bunny Hop of course.

Q. Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?
 A. Because then it would be a foot.

Happy Easter! What?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 23, 2022, 12:42:22 PM



Where do cows go on Saturday night?

Answer

To the moo-vies!
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on April 24, 2022, 10:18:25 AM
What do you get from a nervous cow?

Answer

A milkshake.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on May 24, 2022, 09:07:18 PM
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." –  Bill Watterson
 
 I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
 
 Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.
 
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there. 🦠
 
 It's not my age that bothers me, it's the side effects.
 
 I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
 
 As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
 
Me, sobbing: "I'm not coming back here anymore ... I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up."
 
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.  The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.
 
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
 
 If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
 
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
 
 Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
 
 Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
 
 She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found "Mute" by now.
 
 So, you've been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won't take the vaccine because you don't know what's in it?
 
 Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still a dumbass.
 
 There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.😇🙏👍
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on August 07, 2022, 06:01:28 AM
Murphy's Laws of Computing:

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer or program, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on September 05, 2022, 09:43:48 AM
The Doberman and The Lion

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes with Age and Experience.







Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on September 17, 2022, 07:21:00 AM
Gardening Tips..thumbnail (2).jpg Gardening tips.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on October 01, 2022, 03:37:16 AM
01_growingolder_hootyresults.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on October 04, 2022, 04:33:16 AM
Image1.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on October 12, 2022, 09:20:43 AM
bra.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 19, 2023, 10:28:21 AM
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on February 02, 2023, 11:13:15 AM
Mary Rose
Sat on a Rose
Mary rose.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on February 02, 2023, 11:15:56 AM
06676788ACCA480FB041CB0D2FB83EB1.jpeg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Vanilla-Jackie on July 19, 2023, 01:17:28 AM
Just because we are old, doesn't mean we are daft... ::)

An old man was a witness in a robbery case, The defence lawyer asked him, did you see my client commit the robbery?
Yes i did answered the old man.
Can you be absolutely certain it was my client continued the lawyer, lets not forget the robbery took place at night.
I am definitely sure it was him said the old man, I got a good look at him.
You may think you did, persisted the lawyer but, you are 81 years old and the suspect was standing on the other side of the street, just exactly how far can you see, particularly at night.
Well replied the old man, i can see the MOON, is that far enough for you..
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on August 28, 2023, 06:56:06 AM
'
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on August 28, 2023, 06:58:09 AM
.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 04, 2024, 10:29:02 AM


 Puns. Corny and funny

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.  It's all about raisin awareness.

I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken.  One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.  Now that's humerus.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.  Now I have Heinzsight.

Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.  I turned to a local tribal leader and said,

"That lizard is really funny!"  He replied, "That's not a lizard.  He's a stand-up chameleon."

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.  I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth.  Then it's a soap opera.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.

How much does a chimney cost?  Nothing, it's on the house.

My friend said she wouldn't eat cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth.  I gave her an egg.

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.  He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves.  Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.  That's right...Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.  You probably have not heard of herbivore.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker.  That's right.  The steaks were pretty high.

I went to the paint store to get thinner.  It didn't work.

I once dated a guy who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, he was lack toes intolerant.

 
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 04, 2024, 06:18:00 PM
                   :roflBig:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 04, 2024, 06:27:22 PM
This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:
"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."
Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.
The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 05, 2024, 07:14:11 AM
GREAT ad!!! Someone was thinking.. :)
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 05, 2024, 10:36:19 AM
Old, but ain't they all ---

Statistics - The Dangers of Bread

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

 
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 06, 2024, 10:06:23 AM
Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I'm so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I'm at the age where I can't keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.

I'm so old I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken whilst driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you're slowly looking worse.

You know you're old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you're old when people call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age I decided to stick with it.

My wife's so vain, she'd rather pay full price than admit she's a senior citizen.

I'd like to say I'm ageing like fine wine but in my case, it's more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they're used to life's disappointments, so they're ready for me.

When you're old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you're there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it's your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you're still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 06, 2024, 11:04:46 AM
~Geezerdom~

Those of us entering geezerdom will appreciate this. For those who are not,
look at what you missed and aren't you glad.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast
food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing
up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously.
Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma
cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together
at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I
was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there
is no Roebuck anymore.
Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds,
and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house
until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course,
black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen.
The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like
grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes
of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had
a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza; it was called "pizza pie." When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the
best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family
was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the
line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were
delivered by boys, and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered newspaper,
six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I
had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, had to collect the 42
cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50
cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the
ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they
didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies.
French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it
used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she
died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately
what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make
it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end
of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam
irons.
Man, I am old.
How many do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the
fire wall. Real ice-boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars
without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
were told about! (Ratings at the bottom)
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 -You're still young.
If you remembered 6-10 -You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 - Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 16-25 - You're older than dirt!




Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....


Senility Prayer
"God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference."


Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 06, 2024, 12:39:49 PM
Bubble and Rick, hope you don't mind but I am going to pass both these on!! How true they are...thank you for posting  them.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 06, 2024, 01:00:11 PM
Funny Quotes About Aging
1. "Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." – Oliver Wendell Holmes

2. "Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young." – Theodore Roosevelt

3. "You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old." – George Burns

4. "You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." – Ogden Nash

5. "Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." – Larry Lorenzoni

6. "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." – Bob Hope

7. "If I had known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." – Unknown

8. "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." – George Burns

9. "People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." – George Burns

10. "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?" – Satchel Paige

11. "The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it." – Doris Day

12. "By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." – George Burns

13. "You don't stop laughing when you grow old. You grow old when you stop laughing." – George Bernard Shaw

14. "Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life." – Kitty O'Neill Collins

15. "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." – Woody Allen

16. "Age is a very high price to pay for maturity." – Tom Stoppard

17. "Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional." – Walt Disney

18. "Today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again." – Unknown

19. "Age is not how old you are but how many years of fun you've had." – Matt Maldre

20. "Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative." – Maurice Chevalier

21. "Life's tragedy is that we get too old soon and wise too late." – Benjamin Franklin

22. "I don't let my age define me but the side-effects are getting harder to ignore." – Unknown

23. "No one is as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm." – Henry David Thoreau

24. "There is still no cure for the common birthday." – John Glenn

25. "Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." – Mark Twain


Inspirational Aging Quotes
26. "The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes." – Frank Lloyd Wright

27. "We don't grow older, we grow riper." – Pablo Picasso

28. "I don't believe in aging. I believe in forever altering one's aspect to the sun." – Virginia Woolf

29. "It's like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit." – Elizabeth Lesser

30. "Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears." – John Lennon

31. "In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." – Abraham Lincoln

32. "Getting old is a fascinating thing. The older you get, the older you want to get." – Keith Richards

33. "Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength." – Betty Friedan

34. "Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be." – Robert Browning

35. "When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day." – Marty Buccella

36. "Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week." – Maggie Kuhn

37. "Those who love deeply never grow old, they may die of old age, but they die young." – Ben Franklin

38. "To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth." – Pearl S. Buck

39. "Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old." – Franz Kafka

40. "Age is no barrier. It's a limitation you put on your mind." – Jackie Joyner-Kersee

41. "I suppose real old age begins when one looks backward rather than forward." – Mary Sarton

42. "For the unlearned, old age is winter; for the learned, it is the season of the harvest." – Hasidic saying

43. "Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art." – Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

44. "Try to keep your soul young and quivering right up to old age." – George Sand

45. "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." – Luis Bunuel

46. "Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter." – Satchel Paige

47. "That's another great thing about getting older. Your life is written on your face." – Frances McDormand

48. "Why would I worry about getting older – what's to moan about?" – Dawn French

49. "I'm just getting older and better." – Neal Schon

50. "If you're not getting older, you're dead." – Tom Petty

51. "Aging is just another word for living." – Cindy Joseph

52. "It's not how old you are. It's how you are old." – Jules Renard

53. "We are always the same age inside." – Gertrude Stein

54. "It matters not how long we live but how." – Phillip James Bailey

55. "The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 08, 2024, 04:57:38 AM
.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 11, 2024, 10:17:48 AM
.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on January 13, 2024, 05:51:50 AM
.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 15, 2024, 02:03:05 PM
New Technology????
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 15, 2024, 08:14:48 PM
        EAT HEALTHY
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 17, 2024, 10:01:16 PM
EVER WONDER... 
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? 
...why doctors call what they do "practice"? 
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? 
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons? 
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? 
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new &improved" flavor? 
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? 
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? 
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? 
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? 



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 
...On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). 
...On a bag of Fritos: . You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? 
...On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) 
...On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). 
...On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)! 
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) 
...On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) 
...On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 
...On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) 
...On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) 
...On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 
...On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) 
...On an American Airlines packet of nuts: ..."Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) 
...On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 18, 2024, 06:07:37 PM
~Geezerdom~

Those of us entering geezerdom will appreciate this. For those who are not,
look at what you missed and aren't you glad.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast
food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing
up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously.
Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma
cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together
at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I
was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there
is no Roebuck anymore.
Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds,
and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house
until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course,
black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen.
The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like
grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes
of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had
a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza; it was called "pizza pie." When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the
best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family
was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the
line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were
delivered by boys, and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered newspaper,
six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I
had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, had to collect the 42
cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50
cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the
ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they
didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies.
French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it
used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she
died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately
what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make
it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end
of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam
irons.
Man, I am old.
How many do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the
fire wall. Real ice-boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars
without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
were told about! (Ratings at the bottom)
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 -You're still young.
If you remembered 6-10 -You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 - Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 16-25 - You're older than dirt!




Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....


Senility Prayer
"God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference."
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on January 20, 2024, 03:32:54 PM
The Black Telephone
Those of us old enough to remember when the phone was wired to the wall, usually in the kitchen, can relate to this story. I loved this read.
When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.
A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information."
"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience..
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked
"No, "I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
I said I could.
"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, " Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."
"Information," said in the now familiar voice.
"How do I spell fix?" I asked
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much.
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back in Seattle .
A different voice answered, "Information."
I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," She said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up, she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?" "
"Yes." I answered.
Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
Whose life have you touched today?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on January 21, 2024, 04:12:29 PM
COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

 Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

 

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done

 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

 

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

 

Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

 

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

 

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.

 

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

 

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

 

"On time" is, when you get there.

 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

 

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

 

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

 

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: RAMMEL on January 25, 2024, 09:13:07 PM
English Is Crazy!
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1. The bandage was wound arund the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. They were too close to the door to close it.
13. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
14. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
15. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
21. You can make amends but not one amend.
22. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all of but one of them, what do you call it?
23. If teachers taught, do preachers praught?
24. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
25. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
26. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
27. Have noses that run and feet that smell?
28. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on February 02, 2024, 11:51:11 AM
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined!
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore... So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca - age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.' Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.' Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine - age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image!) Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross...' Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: so_P_bubble on February 03, 2024, 05:45:33 AM
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied. "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of a football match, so I took the remote.
*Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.....*

The story continues....
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*

Story continues....

Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it.
Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card.
*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*

Story continues....
After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*

Story continues....
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.
She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*

Story continues....
On getting home, his car was gone.
A note was lying on the table.
"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. I will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need anything".
*Moral: Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!*
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 03, 2024, 01:09:02 PM
Can You Find Him?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on February 03, 2024, 03:04:55 PM
Out of sight, out of mind?
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 03, 2024, 03:22:21 PM
Smart dog? He heard they were taking him to the vet???  :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: Amy on February 06, 2024, 09:49:25 AM
What do you call an alligator  wearing a vest???



An investigator.. :2funny:
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: patricia19 on March 22, 2024, 06:17:41 PM
433745246_122136467108093158_367677386938236453_n.jpg
Title: Re: "Jokes and Humor"
Post by: donklan on March 26, 2024, 05:12:57 PM

Money can't buy you happiness ....

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

 

 
 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

 

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

 

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

 

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

 

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

Joe Namath

 

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Bob Hope

 

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

W. C. Fields

 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Will Rogers

 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

 

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Billy Crystal

 

And the cardiologist's diet:

If it tastes good spit it out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~