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"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

RAMMEL

:roflBig:


Let's lighten things up a bit with some Jokes, Humor, and funny stories.  I know there are some unidentified jokesters out there.

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Andie

Three youngsters talking about their Dads.  First one says, "My Dad  just scribbles some words on paper, calls it a poem and sells it for hundreds of dollars."
Second boy says, "Well, my Dad scribbles a few words on some paper, calls it lyrics and makes thousands of dollars.!
Third boy says, "Well that's nothing, my Dad scribbles words on a paper, calls it a sermon and it takes six men with plates to haul in all the money!"

Vanilla-Jackie

August 22, 2016, 01:56:21 am #2 Last Edit: August 22, 2016, 01:58:33 am by Vanilla-Jackie
Andie, well done, a great starter, well it sure worked for me..... and its not good to laugh when you reach the punchline with a cup of tea in your hand drinking, when sitting face to face at your computer screen....especially at 7am in the morning.... ;D

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

RAMMEL

Subject: Noah's Ark in Today's Society...
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the
U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to
the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Andie


Vanilla-Jackie

August 24, 2016, 01:15:21 am #5 Last Edit: August 24, 2016, 01:17:26 am by Vanilla-Jackie
There you are, problem solved, our earth remains...... ;D

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

Andie

True story:      Eight year old Bobby was a new patient in St. Francis Hospital.  One of the Sisters overheard him admiring the crucifix over his bed and asked, "Bobby, are you Catholic?"   "Oh no, Ma'am," replied Bobby, "they think I'm diabetic!"

Andie

Doctor:  I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, your tests came back positive and I hate to tell you this, but you need to get your affairs in order soon.

Smith:   How much time to I have, Doc?

Doctor:  Ten.

Smith:  Ten what?  Months? Weeks?  Days?

Doctor:   Nine.......

Vanilla-Jackie


" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

rutumi

Kats are krazy, kalm or kollected, but mostly kôôl

so_P_bubble

A young newly graduated engineer finds himself sitting in the train next to a little girl.

   The engineer told the girl:
- It appears that the travel pass much more quickly if you talk with someone.

The girl looks at him and says:
   - Okay, what do you talk about?

Man brags: Let's talk of nuclear physics?

The girl replied: Okay, but first listen to me.
  A deer, a cow and a horse eat all the grass.
   Yet the deer made small droppings, cow dung is flat
and the horse makes large balls. How do you explain that?

The stunned engineer, thought a moment and then must confess:

- Well, I can not explain.

So the smart little girl said to him: How do you want me to explain nuclear physics if you cannot even solve a small problem of shit?

RAMMEL

                  :2funny:
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Vanilla-Jackie

October 10, 2016, 05:53:37 am #12 Last Edit: October 10, 2016, 05:56:55 am by Vanilla-Jackie
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

~ Author Unknown....

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

rutumi

Well done, Vanilla-Jackie. You said further back the line that it isn't always the best time to read jokes (with good punch lines) early in the morning, with a cup of tea in hand.
Hah! A quarter to midnight is not a good time either, if you're eating a yoghurt and have your mouth full....   :cup:   :yes:
Kats are krazy, kalm or kollected, but mostly kôôl

Vanilla-Jackie

RUTUMI...
....I think the safest thing to do is read these jokes in the middle of the day.... :coffee:  :metoo:

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

Andie

Maria's husband was away on business when she suddenly went into labor.  Her brother drove her to the hospital.  Due to complications during the delivery, Maria was heavily sedated for several days.  When she finally woke up she asked about her baby.
"Babies!", said the nurse, "you have twins--a son and a daughter!  And your brother has already named them for you."
Knowing her brother was a practical joker, Maria cringed. "OK, what did he name them?"
"He named the girl Denise."
"Well, that's not bad at all--and the boy?"
"Denephew!"

junee


rutumi

 :lol:  :lol:

Junee -- they wuz twins!!
Kats are krazy, kalm or kollected, but mostly kôôl

junee


Vanilla-Jackie

Good they weren't triplets otherwise the other one could have been called, Decousin...

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

junee


RAMMEL

This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:
"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."
Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.
The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

RAMMEL

A repeat ---

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie."
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket."
The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
"Voices?" the bartender asks, thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
"Yeah, watch this," says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or what?"
"Oh, that", says the bartender. "It's the nuts. They're complimentary."
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

rutumi

Good thing it wasn't the beer -- it's known that it can often pack a wallop!  ;D
Kats are krazy, kalm or kollected, but mostly kôôl

Vanilla-Jackie

A friend told me that I was delusional.... I almost fell off my Unicorn....

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

Vanilla-Jackie

Overheard at a Royal Navy Cocktail Party :-

Good evening, Admiral.  I'm Surgeon-Lieutenant Bates.

What!  Not the son of old Butcher Bates of St Thomas's ?

Yes sir.  And my mother was Clarissa Cuthbertson, the thyroid surgeon.

What!  Not old Cut-throat Cuthbertson of the Royal Free ?

That's right, sir.  And I'm keeping medicine in the family, because next week I'm marrying Dr Jemima Snodgrass.

What!  Not the daughter of old Slasher Snodgrass of Guy's ?

The same, sir.  I'm sorry my fiancee can't be here tonight, but she's in bed with cramp.

What!  Not old Carver Cramp of St Mary's ?

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

Vanilla-Jackie

Not so much as a joke but more a way of looking at things....

" We consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough of the bad luck of the early worm...."

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt....

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

Vanilla-Jackie

Sidetracked...

...Went to my bathroom to wash my face, noticed my sink needed a clean...went to the kitchen to get said cleaner, spotted the tumble-dryer was still on, sorted the clothes out, came back to my bedroom sink to wash my face, noticed the sink needed cleaning....does this ring a bell?

This is not a joke but happened to me this morning about an hour ago...are you getting the picture?

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey

junee

Jackie.  Yes, that is a very clear picture for me.  Hope you are keeping well.

Vanilla-Jackie

August 21, 2017, 02:00:03 am #29 Last Edit: August 21, 2017, 02:01:59 am by Vanilla-Jackie
Its started, it was only a matter of time....

Thank you Junee, I am keeping well but my body seems to have other Ideas...
...I have not long gotten up, 6.30am...have my first cup of tea by my side...

" freedom is the outside of the inside "
              ~ Joyce Carey