December 13, 2019, 07:06:34 pm

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Views: 581
By: Jeanne Lee

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  • brian: ofcourse   mycheal    but   still  amusing---------   musical lemmings
    December 10, 2019, 09:15:15 pm
  • mycheal: Brian, personal choice
    December 10, 2019, 07:43:24 pm
  • brian: interesting how  so many  male musicians  wear   hats  when performing!  My   son in law  is  a  pro musician    and  does  same  thing.Its  almost a  "uniform"
    December 09, 2019, 11:50:14 am
  • Pooch1: Oh, so funny, Rammel!  Thanks
    December 09, 2019, 07:36:43 am
  • RAMMEL: [link]
    December 08, 2019, 08:42:35 pm
  • brian: seasons  greetings  all   who  remain
    December 07, 2019, 11:09:41 am
  • Oldiesmann: Thanks :)
    December 06, 2019, 10:12:47 pm
  • so_P_bubble: Congrats Michael and best of like for safe driving :)
    December 05, 2019, 04:17:48 am
  • Pooch1: Great!  But get yourself a St. Christopher medal to hang on the rear view mirror so you can hang on to this car.
    December 04, 2019, 12:26:24 pm
  • Amy: Micheal, way to go!!!
    December 03, 2019, 05:47:47 pm
  • Oldiesmann: Got the car! Came complete with a 6-month, 6000-mile warranty as well. Just need to replace the wipers and get new batteries for the keyfob.
    December 03, 2019, 04:48:32 pm
  • Amy: Micheal,  good luck today..hope it all works out for you!
    December 02, 2019, 12:38:38 pm
  • Oldiesmann: Going to look at a car on Tuesday. 2012 Hyundai Sonata with 77,000 miles (124,000 km) and slightly cheaper than the car I wrecked so hopefully I can get financing and an affordable monthly payment
    November 30, 2019, 06:24:07 pm
  • Oldiesmann: Hopefully getting a new car in the next week. GAP insurance payment finally came through on Tuesday so now I just need to call the credit union and get the rest of the loan paid off, then decide which car I want and everything
    November 29, 2019, 01:42:59 am
  • brian: you are   fortunate  bubble      most    dont live  close-------   good  luck to you (  I didnt  know  about   wheelchair)
    November 27, 2019, 11:51:16 am
  • so_P_bubble: Brian: wheelchair... It's also wheels! I live very near the clinic and the shops. As for the dentist... I prefer to forget him, I haven't been there for over three years.
    November 27, 2019, 04:31:22 am
  • brian: bubble  how   do u  get   groceries?   how u get to  doctor?how u get to  dentist?
    November 26, 2019, 11:49:40 am
  • Amy: Micheal ..Way to go! Thing are now looking up for you...
    November 26, 2019, 11:09:49 am
  • Oldiesmann: Looks like I may be able to go get a car this coming weekend. The credit union finally got the check from the GAP insurance so I just need to call or visit the credit union for a quote to pay off the loan
    November 26, 2019, 10:25:42 am
  • so_P_bubble: Michael, if you were closer I would let you use my car. I hardly go out these days, maybe only once a week when I volunteer at the library.
    November 26, 2019, 05:10:53 am

"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

Vanilla-Jackie

Relaxing Location...
... While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

RAMMEL

 

The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall.

A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines



"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Vanilla-Jackie

So if you want some freebies on the house, act like you are away with the fairies...or as nutty as a fruit cake...
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

Ferocious

The Smart Vetinary

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. as she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope & listened to the birds chest.
After a moment or two the Vet shook his head & sadly said I'm sorry your duck Cuddles has passed away. the distressed woman wailed "are you sure" yes I'm sure your duck is dead replied the Vet
How can you be so sure she protested you haven't done any testing on him or any thing he might be in a coma or something.
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room, he returned with a black Labrador Retriever .As the duck owner looked on in amazement , the dog stood on its hind legs put its front paws on the table & sniffed the duck from top to bottom looked up at the Vet with sad eyes & shook his head.
The Vet patted the dog & took him out of the room, he then returned with a cat the cat jumped onto the table & sniffed the duck from head to toe the cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head sadly & strolled out of the room
The Vet looked at the woman & said I'm sorry but it is most definitely 100% a dead duck
The Vet turned to his computer hit a few keys & produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck owner still in shock took the bill "$150" she cried a "$150" just to tell me my duck is dead.
The Vet shrugged I'm sorry if you had just taken my word for it the bill would have been "$20" but with a Lab Report and a Cat Scan it"s a"$150"

so_P_bubble

:2funny:    A good one!   
Welcome, Ferocious!

Vanilla-Jackie

Welcome back Bill, I hope you are feeling better.... a good one to start the morning off with... ;D
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

junee

A good one from Ferocious Bill.  Jackie    :hello:

Vanilla-Jackie

Junee...
...he is not " ferocious " really, he is just a cute little puppy dog... ;D
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

so_P_bubble

Jackie, puppy smiling like a Cheshire cat?  ;D

Vanilla-Jackie

Yes, or " the cat that got the cream.."  :2funny:
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

junee

Jackie, yes I know butjust had to pick up on hat name of Ferocous.   :thumbup:

Ferocious

Ladies.....I have been know to lick a few people to death....ha ha ha......hence....'ferocious'.....ha ha ha

Ferocious

Me?????  Speeding officer???   Pull the other one......ha ha ha

Ferocious

I'll pass on this job........ha ha ha ha


Ferocious

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.



She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"


I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,


"What she really said was: 666136429



Ferocious

The potholes round here are getting worse by the day.......


Ferocious

A gardner was passing an asylum wheeling a barrow full of manure - one of the inmates asked him what it was for " To put on my rhubarb " he said,
the lunatic replied " You should come in here - we get custard on ours !"

Ferocious

An ancient Highlander was nearing the end of a long life, and gathered his three sons around his bed to grant them a last wish before he faded away.

His first son asked his dying father for a brand new tartan kilt to wear at the funeral.

His second son asked for a new tartan bonnet, just in case it rained at the funeral.

The third and youngest son approached his father's bed.

"And what would you like from me before I pass through, my son?"

"Could I please have a thousand pounds, please father?"

"A thousand pounds? And what would you be wanting with a thousand pounds?" cried the old man.

"Well you see Dad, I don't want a tartan bonnet, and I don't want a tartan kilt, because I've got a Tart'n trouble."






RAMMEL

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Vanilla-Jackie

I would like to know what the other half got wasted on?... ??? ;D
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

Mary Ann

They don't make them like W C Fields any more.

Mary Ann

Ferocious

Can't keep a straight face when watching these fellas......


Laurel and Hardy: Why didn't you tell me you had 2 legs



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIbeGQp0cm4

RAMMEL

Every once in a while a local TV channel will run a Marathon on the likes of Laurel and Hardy, W.C., Harold LLoyd, Abbott & Costello, and the likes.  These are often during a long (Holiday) weekend.  Much fun for a change in diet.
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

RAMMEL

This may, or may not, be Humor.

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Vanilla-Jackie

Rammel...
...I knew him well, a truly old, and good friend he was...life will never be the same without him...Yes so sad, here one minute, gone the next...  :(
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

Ferocious

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES


There are two
statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They
had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells
them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing
summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes
to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her,
she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The
angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After 15 minutes, the two return, out of Breath and
laughing.
The angel tells
them, 'Um, you have 15 minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her, 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions’.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you poo on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

Ferocious


RAMMEL

Reflections on Aging in 2018


1.   My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. I now have only 15  more to go.

2.   Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese.

      Fine, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3.   How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash

                                        b.  Grill some meat

4.   I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider  web.

5.   I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hrs. and 20 minutes.

6.   A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight  live longer than men who mention it.

7.   Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was  young I had to walk through 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8.   Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9.   Remember back when we were kids and every time it was  below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or

      talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 80. I learn something new every day and

     forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put on "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. November 4, 2018 is the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK