"Jokes and Humor"

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[Amy]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,

                           "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

[so_P_bubble]

Yiiiikksssss!

[angelface555]

Pass the salt please!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nORRgU8sGdE

[Amy]

Definition of "OLD"

 

  #1         

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

 

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".

 

#2

 
 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"       

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.         

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

 
 
#3

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?" the reporter asked.         

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
 
 

#4

 

I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth   

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

 

 

#5

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

By the time I got my leotards on,

The class was over.

 

 

#6

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

 

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.

"Why Wal-Mart?"   

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

 

 

#7

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

 

#8

 

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

 

#9

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises

As your coffee maker.

 

#10

 

These days about half the stuff

In my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

 

 

#11

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER :     

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

[angelface555]

Amy, I loved numbers one and two!      

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[Amy]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMTSbSrvcRg

[angelface555]

Very funny and appropiate!

[Amy]

I thought it fit right in ..

[Amy]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
 
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Amy]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
 
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
 
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
 
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
 
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
And then the fight started...

[angelface555]

Loved these last two!

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[angelface555]

[so_P_bubble]

[donklan]

COVID KLEPTOMANIAC......

[Amy]

 GOD AND EXERCISE

 
In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more,
remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky,
and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his
eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother
you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

#2 In the '60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today
may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

A friend sent this to me – he must have mistakenly assumed I was aging.

 

[rutumi]