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2024-03-22, 14:15:18
Domestic Goddess: Pollock Fillets seasoned with Mrs. Dash Lemon Pepper, Bush's Best Brown Sugar Hickory Baked Beans, Green Grapes and Chocolate Chip Cookies that my husband prepared.  Sorry about the previous type error with my last post.

2024-03-22, 14:03:04
Domestic Goddess: Pollock Fillets seasoned with Mrs. Dash

2024-03-22, 09:31:45
Domestic Goddess: Is this correct, if one would like to post/share a recipe, we do so here?  If so, was searching to see if there were separate recipe categories?

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2023-11-28, 19:23:29
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avatar_RAMMEL

"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


RAMMEL

Statistics - The Dangers of Bread
The Dangers of Bread
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

RAMMEL

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie."
 
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?"
 
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket."
 
The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
 
"Voices?" the bartender asks, thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
 
"Yeah, watch this," says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man are you smart or what?"
 
"Oh, that", says the bartender. "It's the nuts. They're complimentary."
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

RAMMEL

        How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... 

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

RAMMEL

Dear Receiver :
You have just received an Irish virus.
Since we are not so technologically advanced in Ireland, this is a
MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and
send this mail to everyone you know.
That'd be grand.

Tanx Paddy O'Hacker"
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

RAMMEL

Subject: Noah's Ark in Today's Society...
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
 
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
 
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
 
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
 
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.

Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
 
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


RAMMEL

We can do it
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

Amy

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

 

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

 

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .

 

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

 

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

 

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.

 

 
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


Amy

The Congregation and the Big Donation

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
 After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
 A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly, she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
 Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

A Senior's Rhyme

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
 From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
 I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
 And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
 The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."
 Understand — I'm not old — I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
 And people speak softer — can't hear what they say.
 My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet.
 Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure. You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.
 The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
 You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.
 My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
 Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
 Still, I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent." My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
 I've got "character lines," not wrinkles... for sure,
 But don't call me old... just call me mature.
 The steps in the houses they're building today
 Are so high that they take... your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
 That should explain why my walking is slow.
 But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
 And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
 I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature!

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


patricia19


Amy

Quote from: patricia19 on August 19, 2021, 06:10:00 PMAANv4FY.jfif
Hubby came out of the allergists room saying to me plus a room full of people  that I told you I was allergic to the dogs.  I told him we would miss him.  Room was full of laughter at that.
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

RAMMEL

Scrabble anyone.
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

RAMMEL

    Always Ask, Never Assume

    CNN News photographer having had his request approved, quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

     He was told a plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

     Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

     He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

     The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

     Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

     'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

     Why?' asked the pilot.

     Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

     The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

     Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .

     You're NOT my flight instructor?'
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK

RAMMEL

Spelling
It's the WINDMILLS

          THIMK