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Views: 599
By: Beverly

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  • brian: ofcourse   mycheal    but   still  amusing---------   musical lemmings
    December 10, 2019, 09:15:15 pm
  • mycheal: Brian, personal choice
    December 10, 2019, 07:43:24 pm
  • brian: interesting how  so many  male musicians  wear   hats  when performing!  My   son in law  is  a  pro musician    and  does  same  thing.Its  almost a  "uniform"
    December 09, 2019, 11:50:14 am
  • Pooch1: Oh, so funny, Rammel!  Thanks
    December 09, 2019, 07:36:43 am
  • RAMMEL: [link]
    December 08, 2019, 08:42:35 pm
  • brian: seasons  greetings  all   who  remain
    December 07, 2019, 11:09:41 am
  • Oldiesmann: Thanks :)
    December 06, 2019, 10:12:47 pm
  • so_P_bubble: Congrats Michael and best of like for safe driving :)
    December 05, 2019, 04:17:48 am
  • Pooch1: Great!  But get yourself a St. Christopher medal to hang on the rear view mirror so you can hang on to this car.
    December 04, 2019, 12:26:24 pm
  • Amy: Micheal, way to go!!!
    December 03, 2019, 05:47:47 pm
  • Oldiesmann: Got the car! Came complete with a 6-month, 6000-mile warranty as well. Just need to replace the wipers and get new batteries for the keyfob.
    December 03, 2019, 04:48:32 pm
  • Amy: Micheal,  good luck today..hope it all works out for you!
    December 02, 2019, 12:38:38 pm
  • Oldiesmann: Going to look at a car on Tuesday. 2012 Hyundai Sonata with 77,000 miles (124,000 km) and slightly cheaper than the car I wrecked so hopefully I can get financing and an affordable monthly payment
    November 30, 2019, 06:24:07 pm
  • Oldiesmann: Hopefully getting a new car in the next week. GAP insurance payment finally came through on Tuesday so now I just need to call the credit union and get the rest of the loan paid off, then decide which car I want and everything
    November 29, 2019, 01:42:59 am
  • brian: you are   fortunate  bubble      most    dont live  close-------   good  luck to you (  I didnt  know  about   wheelchair)
    November 27, 2019, 11:51:16 am
  • so_P_bubble: Brian: wheelchair... It's also wheels! I live very near the clinic and the shops. As for the dentist... I prefer to forget him, I haven't been there for over three years.
    November 27, 2019, 04:31:22 am
  • brian: bubble  how   do u  get   groceries?   how u get to  doctor?how u get to  dentist?
    November 26, 2019, 11:49:40 am
  • Amy: Micheal ..Way to go! Thing are now looking up for you...
    November 26, 2019, 11:09:49 am
  • Oldiesmann: Looks like I may be able to go get a car this coming weekend. The credit union finally got the check from the GAP insurance so I just need to call or visit the credit union for a quote to pay off the loan
    November 26, 2019, 10:25:42 am
  • so_P_bubble: Michael, if you were closer I would let you use my car. I hardly go out these days, maybe only once a week when I volunteer at the library.
    November 26, 2019, 05:10:53 am

"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

Mary Ann

I fit more of those categories than I like.

Mary Ann

Vanilla-Jackie

Rammel...
...thankyou for my early morning laugth...  :roflBig:  I identify myself with many of these....never a truer word spoken...think its called OAP logic...

...definitely with number (4)....now where did that spider just go?   
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

Amy

A few funnies.


Every woman’s dream is for a man that will take her into his arms, throw her on the bed, and clean the house
while she sleeps.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Diet tip: If you think you are hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine and then she how you feel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Laughing at your own mistakes lengthens your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes shortens it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Be courteous to criminals. Let them finish their sentences.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t  done. ~ Lucille Ball
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out
of the smoke alarm.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
You may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
~ Maya Angelou
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

RAMMEL

Then & Now

 If you graduated high school in the 1950's or early 1960's. Many of the following scenarios will be familiar. For most of us, our experiences didn't require any physiological therapy or special medical treatment to enhance our social skills.
   
 HIGH SCHOOL 1950's and early 1960's AND 2018 -THEN AND NOW   
   
 Scenario                 1:   
 Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
 1952 -  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
 2018 -  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.     
   
 Scenario                 2:     
 Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.   
 1950's -  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.   
 2018 -  Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark.  They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .   
   
 Scenario                 3:     
 Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.   
 1950's -  Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                 
 2018 -  Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.   He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.   
   
 Scenario                 4:     
 Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.                 
 1950's -  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.   
 2018 -  Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.   
   
 Scenario                 5:     
 Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.   
 1950's -  Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .   
 2018 -  The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.                   
   
   
 Scenario                 7:     
 Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant  bed.     
 1950's -  Ants die.   
 2018  -  ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.                   
   
 Scenario                 8:     
 Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.   He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.     
 1950's  -   In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                 
 2018 -  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.   

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Mary Ann

Good ones Rick - and unfortunately, how true.

Mary Ann

RAMMEL

When I received that I was happy that there are others who "see" how things are/were.  I have often said I wonder if those in charge have wondered why so many bad things happen today that didn't happen yesteryear.  I recall going all through my school years and don't recall anyone getting shot, or shooting anyone else. If there was a calamity we were expected to "work through it" - no grief counselors. I guess that's how we learned to cope, and become responsible adults.
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Mary Ann

Rick, my dad was a shop teacher and had all boys in his classes unless he taught an academic subject.  He quit a year early because it was the start  of parents sticking up for their children instead of the teacher.  Not that teachers were always right, but the students weren't either.  Dad enjoyed 11 years of retirement (I've been retired 32 years). 

I wonder what the world will be like in the future with no holds barred.  I won't be around to find out.

Mary Ann

Vanilla-Jackie

December 01, 2018, 03:24:51 am #67 Last Edit: December 01, 2018, 03:27:53 am by Vanilla-Jackie
So sad how times have changed, and not for the better...

I have been watching on out tv news this last week how the young are even attacking our police...one footage showed a gang of up to 100...

Not school related but...I remember when young my late father telling me ( he came from a rough and ready large family of brothers and sisters ) that if any misbehaved out and about in the street, they not only got a clip round the ear by a local bobby but when they got home and told their father, they would get another one...Seems nowadays the young aren't even afraid of the police, nor some, their fathers..

Whatever happened to that word " respect " respect for our teachers, police, fire crews and ambulance crews, even they get attacked whilst being called out to emergencies...
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

Mary Ann

The timing is ironic, but in today's news lineup was an article about how things were 50 years ago.  I wondered if it would be the same as what Rick posted, but it wasn't.  There were supposed to be 20 examples shown, but I am sure there were more than 20 before I clicked off. 

Mary Ann

Vanilla-Jackie

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

"I thought you were a ghost," 
says the relieved teen. "What are you 
doing working so late?"

"Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
" There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."
~ George Sand
" I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you, then I realised, you spent the rest of your life with me."
~ Anon

Amy

December 01, 2018, 01:24:25 pm #70 Last Edit: December 01, 2018, 06:34:13 pm by RAMMEL
*Talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of theContest

was to find the most caring child.    The winner was: 1.  A four-year-old

child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently

lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the

old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his

mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said,

'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.' *********************************************

 2.  Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy

in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of

her students suggested that he was adopted.  A little girl said, 'I know

all about Adoption, I was adopted.'    'What does it mean to be adopted?',

asked  another child.      'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your

mommy's heart instead of her tummy!' ************************

*********************
3.      On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a

Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the

boys what the score was    'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered With a

smile.  'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very

discouraged.'  'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a Puzzled look on his

face... 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't Been up to bat

yet.' *********************** **********************
4. Whenever I'm

disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie

Scott.    Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother

told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would

not be chosen..          On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her

to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,eyes shining with pride

and excitement..  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words

that will remain a lesson tome....'I've been chosen to clap and

cheer.' *********************************************
5.  An eye witness

account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A

little boy,about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on

the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With

cold    A lady approached the young boy and said,  'My, but you're in such

deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair

of shoes,'was the boy's reply.    The lady took him by the hand, went into

the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the

boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He

quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of

the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and

dried them with the towel.  By this time, the clerk had returned with the

socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of

shoes..      She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to

him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more

comfortable now.'    As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by

the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?' ********************************************* SEND TO

ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.  Hope this put a smile on your face it*



*did mine!*

I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Amy, even though I've read those stories before, they always bring a smile to my face - or a tear to my eye.

One story brought a memory which is not about a child, nor is it humorous - it just is.

One night I watched a program about Seija Ozawa, who was the conductor of the Boston Symphony Orchestra.  Eventually, the program went to Japan  where he conducted the Tokyo Symphony.  What a shock, in a way, to see an all-male orchestra with every member having coal black hair.  The Boston Symphony was made up of both men and women and every hair color imaginable, including bald heads, and with the women different hair styles.  The thought still amuses me.

Mary Ann

Amy

This was sent to me in an email..needless to say I had tears running down my face from laughing..

THE SEASON FOR SOME GOOD, WARM CHILI HAS ARRIVED. BUT BE CAREFUL.



WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.



I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to mess yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.



No Watson's Movement Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.



It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that's when the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.



The chilies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.



Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, then began the inevitable 'Oh my', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-gun! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter.



They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.



Enjoy the Chili season
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Amy - HA! HA! HA!

And I'm not even fond of chili

Mary Ann

RAMMEL

   

 It's time again for the annual " Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

 That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

 Here are the Stella's for this year:
 ·         SEVENTH PLACE

 Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


 Start scratching!
 ·         SIXTH PLACE *

 Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


 Scratch some more...
 ·          FIFTH PLACE *

 Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...


 Double hand scratching after this one..
 ·         FOURTH PLACE *

 Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun


 Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.
 ·         THIRD PLACE *

 Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


 Only two more so ease up on the scratching..


 *SECOND PLACE*


 Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure


 Ok. Here we go!!
 ·         FIRST PLACE *

 This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

 $1,750,000.

 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

 If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Mary Ann

Rick, I loved them.  What can I think of to win a lot of money from an insurance company?  Don't worry, I'm not that smart!

Mary Ann

RAMMEL

I'm waiting for the list of Government Pork Projects.  Can't remember what they call that list  :(
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Amy

Rick, to think they walk amongst us!!
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

RAMMEL

December 03, 2018, 07:43:37 pm #78 Last Edit: December 03, 2018, 07:45:45 pm by RAMMEL
Quote from: Amy on December 03, 2018, 11:58:25 amRick, to think they walk amongst us!!
Scary, isn't it?   :headspin:
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Amy

"Hearing Better Now"
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
"Oh no," the man responded. "I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Great one, Amy.  My only trouble is my family knows I wear them!

Mary Ann

RAMMEL

MMMMmmmmm   I wonder how often that really happens   :2funny:
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

donklan

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh. It's all true.
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4:00 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists or the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Most important - Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!!!

Click for Neenah, WI Forecast

donklan

January 03, 2019, 06:59:56 pm #83 Last Edit: January 03, 2019, 07:01:43 pm by donklan
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD


1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe.

Ten Things I know about you:

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.


Click for Neenah, WI Forecast

Amy

donklan, I most certainly am going to send this to others.....thank you!!!
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 




 

 
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann


Amy

Aging is for all it seems :)You cannot see attachments on this board.
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Amy, we don't think of Mickey as getting old, but he's as old as most of this group, maybe even as old as I am.

We talked about Harry Belafonte in another folder and found out he's 92!

Mary Ann

RAMMEL

That looks Goofy to me   :2funny:
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK