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"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

Amy

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

RAMMEL

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Amy

RAMMEL
Did you hear about the man that glued watches to his belt?
He said it was a waist of time. :)
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

RAMMEL

June 12, 2019, 09:40:17 pm #94 Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 08:16:47 am by so_P_bubble
With little effort he could have time on his hands.
"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think."

          THIMK

Amy

I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

Sign at a car lot.

Honk, if you love peace and quiet.
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

September 16, 2019, 01:53:04 pm #97 Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 08:17:42 am by so_P_bubble
Now this
You cannot see attachments on this board.
 is team work .
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Amy, that's teamwork.

Mary Ann

Amy

Library, the Chicken and the Frog

A chicken walks into the library, marches to the desk, and says: "Book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian hands over a couple of novels, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.

Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, "Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!" The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.

The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, "Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!"

This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows -- across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.

On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond's edge, and says, "Book, Book, Book!"

The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: "Read it, read it, read it..."
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann


Amy

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

We have two of these and yes they sure let you know when someone is here!
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

Talk about blending in!You cannot see attachments on this board.
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Amy, what a cute picture.

Mary Ann

Amy

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It's on a collision course with his ship.
He sends out a light signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back to the ship, "Change yours ten degrees west."

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes back in reply. "You change your course, sir."

The captain is now furious. "I'm a battleship!" he signals. "I'm not changing course for anything."

He receives one final call, stating, "Well, I'm a lighthouse, so it's your call."
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Mary Ann

Amy, I like your jokes.

Mary Ann

Amy

Thank you Mary Ann...nice to have a giggle or two now and then :)
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

so_P_bubble

You cannot see attachments on this board.

Amy

December 13, 2019, 07:23:10 am #110 Last Edit: December 13, 2019, 11:13:24 am by Amy
Oh my Bubble.Joseph was a fun guy!
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a
beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
 The old
man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I
thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000
asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to
the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted
there was no way you could discount this model.

"The salesman took a deep
breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any
financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?",
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to
lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
Once again.... don't mess with seniors. I love this one. A great
laugh.

I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

JeanneP

Bubble. I had to look at yours for a few min. Before I figured it out. My. Memory is going.
JeanneP

Amy

The Purpose Of A DogYou cannot see attachments on this board.
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

Amy

You cannot see attachments on this board.

Works for me :)
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

angelface555

You cannot see attachments on this board.

angelface555

You cannot see attachments on this board.

Mary Ann

Patricia = Agreed!!!

Mary Ann

angelface555

MaryAnn, I'm not as short as you but I also have that problem!


You cannot see attachments on this board.

Mary Ann

Patricia, many years ago when Norm was married to Joyce, we went somewhere and stopped back at their house.  She had mopped the floor before we left and in our absence their St Bernard had piddled on the floor.  It had been snowing and I walked in with my snowy boots, grabbed some paper towels and wiped up the mess.

Joyce got mad at me for walking on her clean floor with wet boots but she didn't get mad at the dog.  She was not nice about it so I walked out of the house and proceeded to head for home (about 2 miles and I was younger).  Norm eventually drove by and picked me up and took me home. 

I think the two incidents were similar!

Jan is going to buy some soup for us and I've got to unlock the door.

Mary Ann