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"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Amy

I can do that! Or at least give it my best try! ;)
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

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Amy

An elderly lady from [****] did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken,
then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car
and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried,
and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered ..
why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake.



The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar   No joke

Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!

This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.






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Amy

THE RULES OF RURAL SASKATCHEWAN ARE AS FOLLOWS:

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get the hell out of my way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 6 goes north and south. Pick one and leave.


5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $395,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Saskatchewan waves. It's called 'being friendly , try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for ladies. That is applied to all ladies, regardless of age.

11. There's little here for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. Our meals have three main dishes: meat, vegetables and potatoes. We use three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.

15. Saskatchewan Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch.

16. We have more golf courses per capita than anywhere else in the world. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Three inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.


Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail ...
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Jimmy Dean
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers