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"Jokes and Humor"

Started by RAMMEL, August 21, 2016, 07:49:54 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

Amy


    Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.



    If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
    A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
    A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
    Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered :
1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If Mother Nature wanted me to touch my toes, she'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
 
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

angelface555

Loved this Amy, especially #2!

 To avoid kids and accidents, stay far, far away from back seats!   :thumbup:   

angelface555

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Amy


WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS... and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!
 
 
 
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

angelface555

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angelface555



 I hope they give us two weeks' notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. 

And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.                 

 New monthly budget:  Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.                 

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.                 

 When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.                 

 Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 8 weeks.                 

 It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it's going to take a vineyard to home school one.                 

You know those car commercials where there's only vehicle on the road?  Doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.               

They may open things up next month -- I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.                 

Day 56:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.                 

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?"  Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. 

 When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it's probably pretty serious.               

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.               

I am home schooling. The first day I tried to get this kid transferred out of my class.               

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, so the schools are closed.  Do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house?

Amy


If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the humorist who once said:
 "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
 His mind sees things differently from most of us. 
One of the favorites is "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
 
Here are some more of Steven Wright's gems....
 
1)      I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2)      Borrow money from pessimists  -  they don't expect it back!
3)      Half the people you know are below average.
4)      90% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5)      82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6)      A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
7)      A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8)      If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9)      All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10)   The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11)   I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12)   OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13)   How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14)   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something,
15)   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16)   When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17)   Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18)   Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19)   I intend to live forever.  So far, so good....
20)   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21)   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22)   What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?
23)   My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brake, so I made your horn louder."
24)   Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25)   If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26)   A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
27)   Experience is something you don't get until just AFTER you need it.
28)   The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29)   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30)   The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
31)   The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
32)   Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
33)   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
34)   If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
 
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

angelface555

From Dad Jokes


I've heard some people are really going crazy from isolation. I'm glad I'm not one of those.

I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.

The sink just said everything is going down the drain.

In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn't that pressing.

The vacuum was very unsympathetic. Told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over!

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn't say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip.

The front door said I was unhinged and then..The curtains told me to pull myself together!

Amy





 
Why  do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the  back of the store to get their prescriptions while  healthy people can buy cigarettes at the  front? 



Why  do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a  diet coke? 



Why  do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens  to the counters?



Why  do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our  driveways and put our useless junk in the  garage?




EVER  WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but  darkens our skin?




Why  can't women put on mascara with their mouth  closed? 



Why  don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins  Lottery'? 


Why  is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why  is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do  'practice'? 



Why  is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish  washing liquid made with real lemons?




Why  is the man who invests all your money called a  broker? 



Why  is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush  hour? 

Why  isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why  didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 



Why  do they sterilize the needle for lethal  injections?




You  know that indestructible black box that is used on  airplanes?  Why don't  they make the whole  plane out of that stuff?? 



Why  don't sheep shrink when it rains? 



Why  are they called apartments when they are all stuck  together? 



If  flying is so safe,   why  do they call the airport the terminal? 



Now  that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to  spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want  to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other  words, send it to everyone.  We all need to smile  every once in a while. 
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

angelface555

EVER  WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

 ???  ;)   :coolsmiley:

Amy


UNIVERSAL LAWS - ENJOY

 
1.Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2Law of Gravity-Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces-The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
I can't change the direction of the wind,
but I can adjust my sails
to always reach my destination.

Jimmy Dean

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers