"Jokes and Humor"

Amy · December 29, 2024, 10:40:50 AM

A lot to look forward too!

RAMMEL · January 03, 2025, 10:01:50 AM

Did you hear about the blind carpenter? --- He picked up his hammer and saw.

RAMMEL · January 21, 2025, 09:15:58 PM

Subject: FW: Steven Wright

Steven Wright once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic said, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

so_P_bubble · February 11, 2025, 08:08:47 AM

Hilarious! 🤣

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're stting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposd to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

-source unknown.

Marilyne · April 10, 2025, 12:59:00 PM

Oldies, but still worth a chuckle.
Can't help wondering - who makes up these things?

1: The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2: I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3: A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4: A dog gave birth to puppies near the road,
And was cited for littering.

5: A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France,
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

6: Two silkworms raced each other.
They ended up in a tie.

7: A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

8: Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

9: Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10: Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

11: I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

12: A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

13: The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray ...
Is now a seasoned veteran.

14: When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

15: If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
You'd be in Seine.

16: A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

17: Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19: Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

20: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal? transcend dental medication.

There was a person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

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