"Jokes and Humor"

angelface555 · June 15, 2020, 02:10:44 PM

American Hedgehog Bowling Association

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Sd-MfuJ8ZU

angelface555 · June 15, 2020, 04:00:51 PM

Independent dogs that don't need Hoomans

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoKWVBr_1CU

angelface555 · June 15, 2020, 04:06:20 PM

SMART Dogs Showing Off Their Problem Solving Skills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQEmjNqwZRk

Amy · July 26, 2020, 03:32:12 PM

Lost Words From Our Childhood

Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie . We'd put on our best bib and tucker , to

straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehosofat! Holy Moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley ; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the DA.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" Or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...

See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.

You'll notice they left out "Monkey Business"!!!

Amy · July 26, 2020, 04:28:08 PM

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop ticking you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And the golden rule: "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

so_P_bubble · September 09, 2020, 05:11:49 AM

so_P_bubble · September 09, 2020, 05:13:26 AM

so_P_bubble · September 09, 2020, 05:13:48 AM

Amy · October 18, 2020, 12:35:14 PM

"Important Announcement: In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Amy · November 06, 2020, 12:23:29 PM

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let's give it a try."

Amy · January 16, 2021, 01:36:24 PM

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I'm getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

so_P_bubble · February 08, 2021, 10:28:28 AM

Amy · February 08, 2021, 12:26:11 PM

Old Age And Treachery

I know I shouldn't have done this but I am 73 years old and I was in the McDonalds drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

Don't blow your horn at old people....they have been around a long time.

rutumi · February 10, 2021, 10:38:04 AM

When insults were more than four-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope
without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork"
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination. "
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

Amy · February 16, 2021, 12:46:37 PM

What Do You Call A Bird

What bird can do more that others? A Pelican.

What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon.

What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling. What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.

What bird works in construction? A Crane.

What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.

What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.

What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.

What bird just got arrested? A Robin.

What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.

What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow.

What bird does drugs? A Junco.

What bird wears a toupee? A Heron.

What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.

What bird can't walk straight? A warbler.

What bird parties the most? A Raven!

so_P_bubble · February 17, 2021, 03:32:50 AM

so_P_bubble · February 17, 2021, 03:35:27 AM

Amy · May 10, 2021, 03:56:47 PM

Children's Humor

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

Amy · May 10, 2021, 03:59:54 PM

Get your thinking caps on (there is an explanation why this works)

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.

When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;

My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;

My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the
three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend whom they considered quite
smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought,
he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That
increased the total to 18 horses.

Farmer math

Now, he divided the horses according to their father's Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2

TOTAL IS 17

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem Solved!

Scary Mathematics

patricia19 · May 10, 2021, 04:47:42 PM

No, scary farmer!

Amy · June 12, 2021, 10:35:43 AM

Webster's NEW AGE Dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Amy · June 12, 2021, 10:38:24 AM

Forest Service Comments

These are reported to be actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by campers and backpackers completing their trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

Amy · June 12, 2021, 10:40:04 AM

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2021

I have been in many places, but I've never been in
Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You
have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I
hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They
don't have an airport; you have to be driven
there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you
have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity
anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a
sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too
often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was
very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there
more often as I'm getting
older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It
really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old
heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't
remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

RAMMEL · July 07, 2021, 12:32:59 AM

patricia19 · July 12, 2021, 04:18:22 PM

patricia19 · July 12, 2021, 04:18:54 PM

patricia19 · July 12, 2021, 04:19:19 PM

patricia19 · July 12, 2021, 04:19:48 PM

Amy · July 15, 2021, 01:42:42 PM

Works for me!!

b4c9e1d5-aad7-4ae2-b0b4-50b2e4d17d67.jpeg Maxine.jpeg

patricia19 · July 15, 2021, 01:54:59 PM

Or something you can put off so long that you forget about it!

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